Everybody has their own battles within.

I definitely have slacked on blogging. I'll admit it, I'm horrible at this. Anyways, recently in the town that I'm from a teen couple commuted suicide. Kids around here are referring to them as "The Romeo & Juliet of (town name here)". What bugs me is why would they do this? They have a long life ahead of them. What happened? Could this have been prevented? Were there any warning signs? What could have been done differently to help them. We can't say, "oh well, it's too late now." It's never too late. There are others to save... Other voices that are silent yet yearning to be heard. I've been in dark places too. I wanted to be heard but something kept me alive and going. We all have battles and demons that we are constantly fighting within. However, some of us need help and we don't know how to ask for it. 

I think what I'm eventually trying to get at is that we should simply be nice. I'm guilty of this too. I'm not always nice and I need to be. When we are having a bad day we want others to be nice to us, to listen to us. We don't want people or other things piling onto our stressors if our day is already spoiled. Suicide is a big problem everywhere. Most of the time it is because no one acknowledged that person. 

Here's my challenge to you: when you're driving around try waving at someone, anyone. You'll make their day even if you don't know them... And who knows, you might save a life. 

If you, or anyone you know are thinking about suicide... Or you see something that is a red flag here is the website for help: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org 

Remember:

You're beautiful and you mean something to someone. Use your words for kindness and think twice about being negative towards someone. You never know what battles or demons they're facing. Treat others the way you wish to be treated. 

Peace and blessings y'all. 

ckp

Anniversaries

Hey everyone, I know it's been forever. As always... but I miss my daddy. February 24, 2013 made it 8 years since the last day I saw him. Yes, it was an anniversary. Anniversaries like this seem like they would be depressing, and yes they are... but you can either choose to think about how the person is gone OR you can choose to celebrate the person's life. I remember he dropped me off for my 7th grade field trip that morning and gave me a hug and a kiss good-bye. I'm truly thankful I got to say good-bye to him that morning. I got my daily hug and kiss good-bye that morning. Little did I know that would be my last ones from my daddy. I miss him so much and I wish he was here. I would trade everything I have just to hear his voice or see him one last time. Hell, I would give anything to hear him even yell at me at this point! I miss my dad more than anything. After 8 years, you would think it would get easier... but it doesn't. It never does, nor will it ever... not for me. I feel like, if anything, it gets harder because now I feel like I'm starting to forget things. I may be forgetting things, but I will never forget February 24, 2005. I remember leaving him that day, walking into school all happy. We went to Medieval Times and I had a blast that day. I do remember it being a blah, rainy day... and on our way home we were told to call our parents to let them know we were getting close to town. Well, I called my dad's cellphone first, but he didn't answer. I called again, still no answer. I thought that was weird, so I called his work phone. Once again I had the same result, he didn't answer. Then I called the house phone... of course, no answer. My friend Blake asked to borrow my phone so he could call his parents. While he called them I remember a state of panic rushing over me. I remember thinking: what if my dad forgot me? what if he is tied up at work in a meeting? what if he took a nap or met up with someone? this isn't like him, why isn't he answering? ...I then got my phone back from Blake and called again. Starting with the cellphone, then the work phone, and the house phone. No answer. I even attempted calling my dad's boss, she didn't answer either. Maybe he did forget, or he is just already at the school. Finally we get to the school, I look in the front parking lot for his truck, but no luck. It was no where to be seen. As we pulled around back I quickly scanned the parking lot again for my dad's truck. His little Nissan was no where to be seen. I remember a rush/wave/tsunami of panic coming over me. I felt like I was suffocating in panic. I tried not to show it, but I didn't know where my daddy was. This wasn't like him at all, he never forgot me, ever. As soon as I got off the bus, my mission was to find my daddy. So I could tell him about my day and see him and hug/kiss him and go have dinner with him so I could come back for band practice. I never got the chance to do any of that. My assistant principle brought me aside and into the guidance counselor's room. All I remember thinking was: no, this isn't right. I need to find my dad. As soon as I got into the room I looked to the right. There was my bestfriend's mom sitting on a bench. Her eyes were red and puffy from where she had been crying. I was then told that during my dad's lunch hour he had left work to get lunch and was killed in a car accident. He was hit by an 18-wheeler who jack-knifed right into his truck. My father was killed instantly, and I thank God for that. Thank God my daddy didn't have to suffer, but I miss him so much. I wish he was hear to talk to me, to tell me he was proud of me. I wish I could give him another hug and kiss. I wish I could see him grow old. He would be turning 59 this year and I wish he was here to celebrate it. I love him so much, but I'm thankful I knew him. Most people don't even get blessed with the chance to know their fathers, but I knew mine and he may be gone but his memories I have of him will keep him alive. I love you daddy. 

We live and we learn

Hey guys!

So, I’ve had a pretty amazing week! I got into Nursing School and everything is just grand.  One thing I really wanted to address is something that happened 10 days ago. On the 10th of October it was the 2 year anniversary of my old childhood bestfriend’s passing away. Now, when we get in relationships we tend to spend most of our time with that person. I spent a lot of time with homeboy… I mean, I did love him. Well, Ashley was my bestfriend from 1st grade from back home… She moved away after 6th grade and well, after my dad passed away I ended up in the same town that she had moved it. It was great, we started hanging out again, but it was also bad too. I started getting in trouble, we started getting in trouble. So we quit hanging out, and we were 13 at this time. Well, I started dating my boy in September of 2010… He was perfect, amazing, and handsome. Of course I wanted to spend every chance I got with him! Who wouldn’t? Well, Ashley had gotten up with me that summer and we were trying to make plans to hang out when she got back. Well, we kept making plans and I kept putting them off because I was with my boy. Well, October 10, 2010, I was at his house and he was washing his car and while I was on his Facebook I had saw someone’s status that read: RIP Ashley Ha****s… you will be missed. Right away I had that sinking feeling in my gut, I asked homeboy if the kid went to school with him since Ashley went to the same school and his answer was yes. That night, right around my ex’s house Ashley was killed along with two of her other friends. They had all been drinking and so had the driver, they all got into the car that night and all three passengers were killed when the driver took a curve too fast. He lived. Now, what I want to get at is: yes, I loved my ex, I still do… but when we are in relationships don’t ignore the other people that you had in your life previous to them. Make time for your friends, you never know when it could be too late. I don’t regret spending all the time I could with my ex, I really don’t, but I could have also spent time with Ashley. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about everything. She was my bestfriend, she helped me a lot after my dad passed away, and we always grew up defending each other from bullies at school. She was my sister from another mister. I love her and miss her, and maybe if I would have been a better friend, things would have turned out differently. However, I do believe everything happens for a reason and they do make us think and appreciate things more. I do appreciate both relationships I had, but I really wish I would have been a better friend to AshBash. Remember: We have our relationships with our “significant other” and they’re all great and stuff… but we are individuals in our relationships too and we have our old friends that helped us where we got to today. So make time for them, you never know if it’s too late.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Ashley the blondie! ...and I'm in the bottom right corner. An old yearbook picture of us!

Relationships with God.

Happy Sunday everyone!

For most of you guys, Sunday is a church day. I’m Catholic and I try to attend mostly on Saturdays… but if not I go on Sunday. I can PROUDLY say that since I have been in college the past three years, I have only missed mass three days. Once during my freshman year and I was home for Christmas break and it had been snowing, the second time was this past year, end of my sophomore year. We had gone up to the Basilica National Shrine up in Washington D.C, but we had gone to mass at noon that day which didn’t fulfill the weekend obligation… and the last time was this past summer when my sweet little Ponchita died. I was headed to mass in Goldsboro with my family on a Sunday morning when my roommate called and told me that our kitty wasn’t doing good, so I rushed back home and took her to the vet. She was so sick, and I tried my best to take care of her and get her the medications the doctors prescribed her… but there was nothing we could do and we ended up putting her to sleep. Those are the ONLY three times I have missed mass since I have been in college. Now… you might be reading this and thinking, “okay girl, what is the purpose of this?” …Well, my purpose of writing this is to make you think. Are you religious? Many a time people tell me,”God knows me and knows my intentions. I might not go to church but He knows me and we have our own unique relationship. That’s why I don’t feel like I have to go to church.” …Are you one of these people? I understand and I’m not judging you, if that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. I am not going to change my opinions about you. What you do is your business. If we were friends and you thought like this, we will still be friends. I just wanted to preach my opinion on the matter. So here it goes:

THINK ABOUT THIS:

You have your friends right? The ones that will always be there for you no matter what? The ones that you have to see at least once a week, if not more. Those friends that mean the world to you because you love them and they love you… you know that you will always be there for them just like they will always be there for you? Well, think about this. What is God to you? God will ALWAYS be there for you, He loves you UNCONDITIONALLY and you mean the world to Him. Do you not love Him? Is He not always there for you? Just because you cannot see Him does not mean that He isn’t there. If you believe in Him then you KNOW He is there… Is He not like that friend? Do you not ask God for help, especially when you are in predicaments? So, why is it hard to go see Him once a week in His house? I don’t understand this… I take 15 hours of classes, weekly. I work 10 hours a week. I want to see my friends and my family… I make time to go out on dates, or to have time to relax. It doesn’t kill me to take one hour out of my hectic week to go see God in his house. I mean, if I can see my friends that may or may not always be there, then I can definitely go see God. The One who is and will always be there for me. God knows me and my intentions too, I am not perfect but I do make time out of my week to see Him in His house.

Think about it… do you have a healthy relationship with God… or are you using Him? …Is He like that bestfriend you have that you make time to see, or is He like that friend that you only use for favors?

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Baby Ponchita the night I rescued her and Kensington... and my first tattoo. <><

The simple things in life.

Hi guys!

Well, I decided to write since I’m relaxing after being sick this past day. I’m watching the NY Giants v. Philadelphia Eagles game with my roommate. We went to the East Carolina University v. UTEP game last night which was fun! …Until they evacuated the stadium due to the weather that was approaching. Anyways… onto my blog. I am a firm believer that the simple things in life are what matter the most. Don’t get me wrong, I do like fancy things and I can be very fancy… but especially since my accident I have definitely come to appreciate simple things a lot more than I previously did. So, clearly since the break up my life was “oh so sad” but now I’m as happy as can be. I hung out with a guy from work twice last weekend after seeing my beautiful niece. Last weekend was great! This week was crazy/hectic but it was great too. I love my life, and the people in it. I honestly shouldn’t complain about my life, but I do. But I just wanted to take tonight to appreciate the little things. I love being able to go home when I want since I only live an hour away. I appreciate being able to go to school to get an education to hopefully become a nurse in whatever field I want. I appreciate my relationship with God and my family who helped guide me to Him. I appreciate the simple joy of longboarding. I appreciate living an hour from the beach. I appreciate having two jobs! I appreciate tye-dye. I appreciate movies, walks, exercising, and food. I appreciate art, and being able to somewhat draw. I appreciate my new whip, which happens to be a 1992 Jeep Wrangler… yes, I know it’s my age but it’s cute and it will get me through the next couple of years! I appreciate my exes, because they helped me grow to become the strong independent girl I am today and they helped me see how I should not be treated and how I should be treated. I appreciate old friends and old friendships I had that were great at once but then something happened and the true friends came out in my time of need when others stayed back. I appreciate my Kensie cat…she’s so silly but I love her to death. I appreciate simple dates. Going out for pizza or hamburgers… or staying in watching movies, playing video games and ordering pizza. I appreciate the little compliments I get about being “family oriented” or when people tell me how pretty I am. I appreciate a lot of those things. Now, don’t get me wrong… I do like simple things but I do like big surprises too.  I appreciate my aunt and uncle for everything. Without them I would not be who I am today, after my dad passed away and I had no place to live they took me into their home without hesitation and I could not be more thankful for that. They’re the best mom and dad anyone could ever have and I seriously would not be here today if it was not for them. I love them so much and I don’t know what I would do without them. Most of all, I appreciate my life. Simple as that… I am so thankful to be alive and I love it. I have been through some pretty crappy times but I know that life does get better. So, thank you God for all that you have given me. I’m unworthy but I am so thankful.

<><  

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

S[he] be[lie]ve[s].

Hi everyone! So, once again I have neglected my Blog. Things have been going iffy. Between working at home, not talking to Zack anymore, finding out more things that he lied about, school starting back again, cleaning my house, starting my new job at school, taking care of my cat, and making sure I definitely have time for mass and my family… you can say I’ve been pretty busy. Well, the school I go to is awesome and we won our opening football game of the season 35-13. Pretty awesome, huh? I don’t have much to say… I don’t really know how I feel lately. You ever feel like that? I don’t know how I feel right now… like if I’m happy, mad, sad, tired, disappointed, confused, guilty, hurt, or maybe all of the above. Zack lied. That’s for sure. That’s all I know is that he lied, and he kept lying to me when we were supposed to try to be friends but everything even then was a complete lie. It’s like all he did was breath, eat, sleep and lie to me. I don’t know what else to say about it, that’s all there is to it. He lied. He freaking lied to me and I was stupid enough to keep believing him even after all the other lies he had told me during our relationship. I’m hurt. I don’t understand how you can sit there and tell someone you love them and lie to them the whole time. It doesn’t work that way. Did you guys hear Taylor Swift’s new song? That’s exactly what it is. Him and I would never ever get back together, ever. I would have to be a complete idiot to go back to something like that. Something that seemed so true that turned out to be a complete lie. I just hope when he finds his next “girlfriend” that he is 110% completely honest with her. I would feel so bad for her if he lies to her like he did me. I think he did it with his best intentions, but a lie is a lie. Just like a cat is a cat. You can’t change that. He freaking lied to me. I’m mad, I’m everything and it doesn’t even matter. Oh well. God will take care of me. He will send me someone who won’t lie and will love me for who I am and for all my flaws. I believe in Him and what He is doing for me. I’m exhausted, and I promise to at least write once a week now. Hopefully twice if I’m not busy during work. Goodnight everyone! Sorry for the rant, but it was needed.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

You told me yes, you held me high... and I believed when you told that lie.

Not Like The Movies

Heyy everyone! Good morning.  So, I just wrote a huge post, but I didn’t like it so I deleted it. I just wanted to talk about the name of my Blog today. First though, I just want to say I had a very fabulous day. I drove up to Raleigh to hang out with my cousin, who is pretty much my sister, and her daughter. It was a great day, and it ended even better because I got to talk to Zack a little. Not much, but a little, and after what I realized yesterday or well, thought about yesterday (My purpose: blog post), it made talking to Zack a lot easier. So overall today was great, fantastic, amazing, happy, and fabulous. All of the above… Okay. So the name of my Blog is “Not Like The Movies” if you listen to Katy Perry or saw her movie, then you probably have heard this song. The last day Zack and I had talked, he told me he was tired of fighting. I was too but that’s what he said. He just didn’t want to fight anymore and I can’t blame him. I was tired of it, but I just did it. At first it was because of little lies he told, I just wanted him to know that I would much prefer the truth all up front rather than little lies and me finding out the truth eventually. I think everyone deserves that, and he knew how I felt about lying. My dad lied to me about the most important things in my life, so anytime Zack lied about something little it freaked me out. More so because they say when you start out lying it may be little things, but then that can snow ball and the thought of that freaked me out. However; I kept working with him. I never gave up and I knew we could work through it. Anyways, there is one line in that song that made me think of what he had said and it goes as follows: If it’s not like the movies, that’s how it should be. Now… I’m not talking about the whole song, just that one line. A lot of movies use to portray relationships and such as “perfect” happy tails with “perfect” happy endings and such. Well, I’m sorry but I don’t believe in “perfect” relationships. I don’t believe in relationships that are all just happy faces and no fighting. I believe in relationships that are real. That have their ups and downs. That have the arguments and making up. That have their I’m mad at you but of course I still love you moments. I don’t know, maybe I’m just boring or I have a weird view on relationships but that’s what I believe. Time for me to go to bed so I can get up early and work at Aeropostale tomorrow! Let me know what you guys think.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My "niece" and I goofing around at the mall today! :)

My purpose:

Well, this post is early in the day! I’m at home, no one is here, and it’s too late and cloudy to sit by the pool now, so I decided to write. It’s been a week since Zack’s daddy passed away. I think that was one of the harder “milestones” of knowing that my dad wasn’t coming back. He had never left me for a week unless he went to Quanico, VA or something for TDY. So, I’m definitely thinking about Zack today and praying for him… I know it’s hard but I know he’s staying busy to keep his mind away from reality. I did the same, and I think we all do going through something like this. There’s nothing like it. Anyways, I talked to Zack last night. He met me outside of the mall and we just sat and talked. It was really nice, and like old times. Minus the affection… of course. All I’m going to say about it is that I loved talking to him, as a friend. It was so nice to have that friend again. But, I did think it was cute when we hugged good-bye. We had that “almost” the same tight embrace, the secure one that made everything better. I had my head rested on his chest and he had asked me if I was listening for his heart and then I noticed his heart beat was nice and slow and replied, “Well, I wasn’t at first but now I am…” and we had made direct eye contact in this. Well, I put my head back to avoid all the rush of the feelings coming back because, well, you know how movies are. The exes make eye contact and everything rushes back. Anyways, I put my head back on his chest to listen to his heart and I then had realized that his heart was beginning to race. My heart does that everytime I see him, especially the first day I saw him… my heart just races. It’s so cute, and I thought that was really cute that I noticed his heart did the same. But, we are just friends and of course there are “no feelings”…. pshh. Hahaha, now… To the reason of my blog. It’s called My purpose. This morning when I woke up, thinking about Zack, for some reason I was in that deep thinking. Weird, but whatevs. Anyways, I started thinking and praying and I thought: Maybe my purpose or the purpose of my relationship with Zack was to prepare him for what happened on August 2nd. I mean, he did deal with me and my emotions and he knew all of my feelings about my dad and his death. Zack took care of me and helped me deal with them, so in a sense it gave him a background on the subject. So, I don’t know, I could be very wrong, but I do feel that my purpose was to help him. We didn’t know that this would happen, but I feel that God did put me in His life for a certain reason and maybe that was the reason. Who knows, I don’t, no one down here does. Only God knows. What do you think?

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My daddy and I at the beach when I was a kid, and yes. That is a leash.

Salon talk.

Hmmm... good morning. I guess I may as well start getting use to this since I keep writing this so late/early! I'm sitting in my old bedroom watching the Olympics with my cousin Jeffrey. It's good bonding time and he's definitely keeping me positive. So, as the title sorta hints to this, I got my hair cut today. The lady that cuts my hair is so sweet, she's cut it for quite a few years now. She had asked how I had been doing and asked about the vacation I was supposed to be on. I told her about how my aunt and uncle were in Texas but how I flew back to be here for my friend/ex. We ended up talking the whole time about how my relationship had ended, what had happened, the people involved, and all that sweet juicy stuff. It was very good to talk to her, to get that stuff off my chest, to get another person's point of view. However, when I was talking to her about Zack I started tearing up. She apologized for asking about him, but I told her I was okay with it. It was life, and life works in weird ways. Of course though, with me talking about him and tearing up about him, my hair stylist started slightly tearing up as well. She told me that she could really tell how much I cared about him, that it showed through the way I talked about him. I loved hearing that, I always wonder if I sound bitter or something, because I'm not. I'm glad we had our relationship, I'm glad he was my bestfriend. I hate how it ended, I truly do, but I'd rather be friends than nothing at all. He's a sweetheart. Anyways, I told her everything and I didn't even have to tell her how I felt... she could gather that from the way I talked about him. I don't have much to say, but I will leave you with this. My hair stylist did tell me some very cliche but very true words of wisdom, she said: If he is meant to be  yours, then he will be... and if not, then be thankful that he didn't get in the way of what is supposed to be yours. How true and how wise, what a good way to look at a situation like this. Weather you are a guy or a girl, that is the perfect way to think about it. So, as I said, I'm leaving you with that.

Remember: If he/she is meant to be yours then he/she will be... if not, then be thankful that he/she didn't get in the way of what is truly meant to be yours.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My very handsome Valentine's Date for 2012... everyday with him was like Valentine's Day. <3

Look at us now.

Well, once again it’s 1 in the morning and I’m starting to write. I had this pulled up at 9, but I’m super ADD, I was texting, watching the Olympics and Jimmy Kimmel… now AFV, and well I’ve been on Facebook and looking at pictures. Today was August 7, 2012, last year it was a very happy joyous day. Zack and I had a cute date as we always did every month. My friends would “bash” the fact that we celebrated our anniversary every month, but I loved it and absolutely adored the idea. He was amazing and so loving. Simply the best and oh so cute. Well, today would have been our 1 year 11 month anniversary and I hated the thought of this day. However, at least he was the first and last person I was texting on this day. You never know where you will end up in the future. Zack always told me to live in the present, I should have listened. When you love in the present you don’t get hurt as much. Once you get the feeling that there will be a definite future, and it doesn’t happen, you get hurt. But what is life without hurt. I feel like if we didn’t get to experience some of the emotions that we do, then we aren’t truly living. I just got off the phone with my aunt, it’s about 320 am now… She’s three hours behind us. My aunt and uncle are in El Paso, Texas right now, which is where I would be but I chose to come home. I miss her a lot, she helps me more than she knows. A majority of our talks are about life and keeping faith. She knows how depressed I am, but she helps me so much. Back to the reason for this post… I mean look at Zack and I. Our year and eleven month anniversary, you would have never thought we’d be where we are now. I mean, look at us now. We went from friends, to bestfriends/boyfriend/girlfriend, to still bestfriends, to complete strangers… now we are just here. I mean, I still want to be bestfriends… I want to and I will be here as his friend. It is up to him to either be the same way or not or to work up to it or not. Have you ever listened to Johnny Cash’s song Hurt?  That song, the first time I heard it, I thought of Zack. Especially our situation and the line: What have I become, my sweetest friend. Everyone I know, goes away in the end.” That song is so true, to a T. It’s the story of my life… and I am so incredibly sorry for how I was with Zack. I know nothing I do or say can get him back, but I’m not accepting that. I just wish I could get my bestfriend back… A year ago I would have never imagined I would be going through this, that him and I would be going through this. However what I do know right now is that I am here for him if he wants or needs me, I always will be, and I know that he just needs a friend. I’m not trying to fight for him back, me flying back wasn’t my attempt to come back and win him over. No, it was for me to be a friend here for him during this time. I am his friend, and I will be here for him. That’s what good friends do and I will never be anything less than a good friend to anyone. I also do know that I need to stop worrying. Once you worry about things, you lose faith. I mean, think about it… if you are worrying about something then you clearly are not letting God handle it. Is it that I don’t trust Him with my problems? No, it’s just that I’m human and I worry… but I shouldn’t and I will work on that. I’m going to F.R.O.G… Fully Rely On God. Well, I’m going to try my hardest. Now that it is 4 am I think it is time for me to go to bed but I will leave you guys with this: even though I never expected Zack and I to end up like this, I still love him and wish nothing but the best for him. I mean, you never just stop caring or loving someone… not that easy or ever. If you do, then you never truly cared or loved that person in the first place. 

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker