Anniversaries

Hey everyone, I know it's been forever. As always... but I miss my daddy. February 24, 2013 made it 8 years since the last day I saw him. Yes, it was an anniversary. Anniversaries like this seem like they would be depressing, and yes they are... but you can either choose to think about how the person is gone OR you can choose to celebrate the person's life. I remember he dropped me off for my 7th grade field trip that morning and gave me a hug and a kiss good-bye. I'm truly thankful I got to say good-bye to him that morning. I got my daily hug and kiss good-bye that morning. Little did I know that would be my last ones from my daddy. I miss him so much and I wish he was here. I would trade everything I have just to hear his voice or see him one last time. Hell, I would give anything to hear him even yell at me at this point! I miss my dad more than anything. After 8 years, you would think it would get easier... but it doesn't. It never does, nor will it ever... not for me. I feel like, if anything, it gets harder because now I feel like I'm starting to forget things. I may be forgetting things, but I will never forget February 24, 2005. I remember leaving him that day, walking into school all happy. We went to Medieval Times and I had a blast that day. I do remember it being a blah, rainy day... and on our way home we were told to call our parents to let them know we were getting close to town. Well, I called my dad's cellphone first, but he didn't answer. I called again, still no answer. I thought that was weird, so I called his work phone. Once again I had the same result, he didn't answer. Then I called the house phone... of course, no answer. My friend Blake asked to borrow my phone so he could call his parents. While he called them I remember a state of panic rushing over me. I remember thinking: what if my dad forgot me? what if he is tied up at work in a meeting? what if he took a nap or met up with someone? this isn't like him, why isn't he answering? ...I then got my phone back from Blake and called again. Starting with the cellphone, then the work phone, and the house phone. No answer. I even attempted calling my dad's boss, she didn't answer either. Maybe he did forget, or he is just already at the school. Finally we get to the school, I look in the front parking lot for his truck, but no luck. It was no where to be seen. As we pulled around back I quickly scanned the parking lot again for my dad's truck. His little Nissan was no where to be seen. I remember a rush/wave/tsunami of panic coming over me. I felt like I was suffocating in panic. I tried not to show it, but I didn't know where my daddy was. This wasn't like him at all, he never forgot me, ever. As soon as I got off the bus, my mission was to find my daddy. So I could tell him about my day and see him and hug/kiss him and go have dinner with him so I could come back for band practice. I never got the chance to do any of that. My assistant principle brought me aside and into the guidance counselor's room. All I remember thinking was: no, this isn't right. I need to find my dad. As soon as I got into the room I looked to the right. There was my bestfriend's mom sitting on a bench. Her eyes were red and puffy from where she had been crying. I was then told that during my dad's lunch hour he had left work to get lunch and was killed in a car accident. He was hit by an 18-wheeler who jack-knifed right into his truck. My father was killed instantly, and I thank God for that. Thank God my daddy didn't have to suffer, but I miss him so much. I wish he was hear to talk to me, to tell me he was proud of me. I wish I could give him another hug and kiss. I wish I could see him grow old. He would be turning 59 this year and I wish he was here to celebrate it. I love him so much, but I'm thankful I knew him. Most people don't even get blessed with the chance to know their fathers, but I knew mine and he may be gone but his memories I have of him will keep him alive. I love you daddy. 

I believe in signs.

Evening ladies and gents,

That was so lame, but whatever… I attempted to spice it up. …Some. Haha! Anyways, like always I haven’t written a new post in a while but today something really got me. Here is a super short background story to this post: my dad and I loved shooting stars. I remember growing up and during meteor showers he would wake me up so we could sneak out, being careful to not wake up my mom, and watch all the shooting stars. Great memories, that’s what that is. Well, ever since he passed away back in 2005… and since I could drive, I have my moments when I like to ask my dad a really important question. I like to ask my dad if he’s proud of me and if I’m on the right track of what I should be doing with my life. The first time I looked up into the night sky and asked my dad those questions was after I had a date with my ex. I was praying I could have a sign that my dad was proud of me, if he approved of my ex, and if he was just simply happy with whom I had become. Within minutes of asking that question, I looked up into the sky and saw a shooting star. Now, I have always had a tendency not to believe things right away… and I’m sure my dad knew that… because as I questioned whether or not I had just seen the shooting star, another one shot across the sky. It was the most beautiful sign I could ever receive. At that moment, I quit questioning. I knew my daddy was proud of me; after all… he answered me the best way he knew how. Since then I haven’t questioned any signs. This may be cheesy but it means a lot to me, and it has happened a few times after that night as well. Like tonight! I was driving home tonight from my house to my aunt and uncle’s house and it was just one of those weeks where I had to ask. For some reason, I’ve been slightly down in the dumps… but hey! That’s life; sometimes it gets the best of us when we know it shouldn’t. Tonight as I looked up into the sky during my night drive home, I asked my dad: dad, are you proud of me? Am I who you would want me to be? Am I doing what I was meant to do with my life?  Honestly, I got bummed out. I didn’t see the shooting star tonight within minutes, and that was the first time that had happened since I started asking him that question. I know it had only been like the fourth time I asked, but I got use to seeing, what I thought, was his sign of approval. I cranked my music back up and tried to clear my mind, I was deeply troubled. As if my week hadn’t already thrown some curveballs at me. Now, my dad wasn’t always around when we lived with my mom, but I remember that he never let me down. NEVER. Even though he passed away almost 8 years ago, he still has yet to let me down. Within 7-10 minutes, I let out a huge sigh, looked into the sky and I saw my dad’s sign of approval. A beautiful, bright, clear, shooting star.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker 

My daddy and I in Sweden. <3

We live and we learn

Hey guys!

So, I’ve had a pretty amazing week! I got into Nursing School and everything is just grand.  One thing I really wanted to address is something that happened 10 days ago. On the 10th of October it was the 2 year anniversary of my old childhood bestfriend’s passing away. Now, when we get in relationships we tend to spend most of our time with that person. I spent a lot of time with homeboy… I mean, I did love him. Well, Ashley was my bestfriend from 1st grade from back home… She moved away after 6th grade and well, after my dad passed away I ended up in the same town that she had moved it. It was great, we started hanging out again, but it was also bad too. I started getting in trouble, we started getting in trouble. So we quit hanging out, and we were 13 at this time. Well, I started dating my boy in September of 2010… He was perfect, amazing, and handsome. Of course I wanted to spend every chance I got with him! Who wouldn’t? Well, Ashley had gotten up with me that summer and we were trying to make plans to hang out when she got back. Well, we kept making plans and I kept putting them off because I was with my boy. Well, October 10, 2010, I was at his house and he was washing his car and while I was on his Facebook I had saw someone’s status that read: RIP Ashley Ha****s… you will be missed. Right away I had that sinking feeling in my gut, I asked homeboy if the kid went to school with him since Ashley went to the same school and his answer was yes. That night, right around my ex’s house Ashley was killed along with two of her other friends. They had all been drinking and so had the driver, they all got into the car that night and all three passengers were killed when the driver took a curve too fast. He lived. Now, what I want to get at is: yes, I loved my ex, I still do… but when we are in relationships don’t ignore the other people that you had in your life previous to them. Make time for your friends, you never know when it could be too late. I don’t regret spending all the time I could with my ex, I really don’t, but I could have also spent time with Ashley. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about everything. She was my bestfriend, she helped me a lot after my dad passed away, and we always grew up defending each other from bullies at school. She was my sister from another mister. I love her and miss her, and maybe if I would have been a better friend, things would have turned out differently. However, I do believe everything happens for a reason and they do make us think and appreciate things more. I do appreciate both relationships I had, but I really wish I would have been a better friend to AshBash. Remember: We have our relationships with our “significant other” and they’re all great and stuff… but we are individuals in our relationships too and we have our old friends that helped us where we got to today. So make time for them, you never know if it’s too late.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Ashley the blondie! ...and I'm in the bottom right corner. An old yearbook picture of us!

Life as we know it.

Hey guys! So, I didn’t write yesterday… I had a nice relaxing day/night with my cousin Jeffrey. We went to see campaign, had dinner at Popeyes, came home watched movies and stayed up talking until 4 am. Anyways, today’s post will be short and sweet. It’s going to be about my dad since today was his birthday. He passed away while I was at a field trip in the 7th grade. The date was February 24, 2005… it was a rough day and it still is. Death isn’t an easy thing to grasp, especially if it;s someone you depend on for everything. I was 12 turning 13 when he passed away. He was 50 turning 51. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. I think about him all the time, I miss him so much. Sometimes, I wonder why he did lie to me about my life. I mean, I heard stories of possibly why he did, but I would love to be able to ask him. To get his side of the story instead of just assuming. I know he’s gone, so I know I will never get any of my questions answered and it sucks. That’s why honesty in a relationship is something I truly care about. I want my boyfriend to be 110% honest with me and be okay with it. Obviously Zack couldn’t cut it. The pressure was too much for him but I’m glad I found that out almost 2 years later rather than down the long road. I miss my dad, and yes I am upset about a lot of things. But I love him, I know he did everything with his best intentions (Zack often reminded me of that)… I just wish he was here to ask him more. I pray he had a great 58th birthday in Heaven. I don’t know if you guys have faced someone passing away, I’m sure you have, but I’m not sure you’ve also experienced someone in your immediate family passing away. It’s extremely difficult. Especially for a 12 year old who only had one parent and that was it. My world was crushed and completely changed. Anyways, death is hard. It’s clearly never easy. Especially if it is sudden and there were no signs of it happening. My dad’s death was sudden. We said our goodbyes in the morning when he dropped me off for my field trip and when I came back he wasn’t there. I never imagined this happening to me, no one does. He was gone. I just found his death certificate a couple of weeks ago actually. See, when my dad passed away they had advised me not to see him. I chose not to see his truck. My making those choices have greatly impacted my life though. I never fully knew what happened, I never fully will. But, I found his death certificate the other day and some online articles. I found out the name and age of the man who killed my father. He was exceeding a safe speed and charged with something else. He was driving a flatbed truck that had jack knifed and killed my father. My dad was supposedly on his way back to work after going home for lunch. His time of death was 1:12 pm… I was still watching the Medieval Times show when it happened. I was having a good time with friends. I didn’t know what happened, and knowing that I was having fun while he was suffering is awful. I read his death certificate and read the cause of his death. It was serious head trauma. I don’t know how long he suffered, or if he suffered at all, but I can only pray that it wasn’t bad. I pray that he didn’t suffer and I pray that he left this world with no pain at all. I miss him so much and I just pray for him all the time. It’s been hard not having him here. Knowing that he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle when I get married, he wasn’t here to see me graduate from high school, he won’t be here to see me graduate from college, he won’t be here to meet my grandkids, my family, my new friends, my next boyfriend. He won’t physically be here, but he will forever be in my heart and that is how he will live on. Remember, never leave someone angry and tell them you love them. Tomorrow is not promised and your life as you know it can change in the blink of an eye. Mine did.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My daddy and I back in 1993 while we were visiting my mom’s family in Sweden.

My daddy, me, and my mom.

My tattoo: Death is not the end and life is forever.

My dad and I at my friend’s mom’s wedding… this is one of the last pictures we have together.

My dad and I after I won 1st place in a horse riding competition when I was like 6 or 7.

& my daddy trying to calm me down, haha. I miss that man. <3 we were so cute.

Death is Not the End.

Good morning everyone, now that it's almost 1 am here... Well, this Sunday the 5th was a tough day for many. As you guys are aware, my ex's father had passed away the morning of the 2nd. He was a great guy. There's so many ways I could describe him and my heart breaks for the family. The memorial service was absolutely beautiful. The songs were gorgeous, and the pastor did a phenomenal job he described Mr. D and talked about him so good. If you didn't know him and you attended the service, you would have left knowing him. Now, to describe the name of my Blog post today... Death is Not the End.  Well, while writing this last night I kinda fell asleep so I'm just going to finish it up now. Death is not the end, this may be sort of confusing for some people to grasp, but it's true. It's the story behind my 2nd tattoo. However, before charting these waters, I will give a little summary of my life. I probably will do this in different bits and pieces of blog posts I do but it will all connect one day, eventually. So, as a child I grew up with my dad and my mom. They never took me to church, ever. I think I ended up going once and that was just for an Easter Egg hunt and it wasn't even with my parents, it was with my dad's friend's girlfriend. Oh, and I went with my bestfriend Tory and her mom who passed away a few months after my dad did. Anyways, like I said, my parents never took me to church. I didn't know who or what God was, I just remember having kids ask me at school if I believed in God and I would say, "no." I use to get picked on and judged by the kids at school for this reason, but I didn't know who this "guy" was. Why do you believe in something that you have never learned about? Well, my mom was deported when I was 8. October of 2000. So, it was just my dad and I after that, father and daughter team, we were unstoppable. Well, turns out, even after he passed away on February 24, 2005 we are still unstoppable. I love him with all my heart, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't talk to him, I don't miss him, I don't tell him I love him, and that I don't tell him goodnight, sweet dreams, don't let the bed bugs bite. Not a day goes by that those things do not happen. It's been a hard 7 years, going on 8 years, but I'm 20 and strong. Yes, this does kill me at times but it's people like my family, and my bestfriend Mac, that help me through it. It was also Zack that helped me through my darkest times and darkest thoughts. Times when I wanted to give up everything, time's where I bargained to see my dad again, to dream about him, to hear his voice, to give up everything I had just to see him again. Even if it was only a dream. Zack helped me and stood by my side through all of those times in the year and a half that we officially dated. We still talked before and after the official dates, obvy. It sucks not having him here by my side anymore, my co pilot in life, he was amazing. He still is, and he knows that I am here for him during his time of need. His dad's memorial service was beautiful, and I'm honestly tearing up thinking about it. It's not fair that this happened to Zack, the guy that would do anything for the person he loved, it's not fair that this happened to him and his family. I don't know why it happened, I just know that God wanted his dad to come home. You see, after my dad passed away I lived with my friend for a few months up until DSS found out that I had family. Court hearings happened, and I was to move in with my aunt and uncle that surprisingly only lived an hour away. I had never knew that I had family, you see my dad lied to me about my life pretty much but this is a different story for a different day, but I never knew I had family and it was all a shock to me. I moved in with my aunt and uncle who happened to actually be committed Catholics and they go to church every weekend. Well, honestly, this helped me a lot. When I moved in with them I went to mass every weekend. The readings helped me, and eventually after some years I became more active in the church and started going up to get blessed. I finally decided during my Junior year to take the RCIA class to come into the church. It was the best decision of my life. Church, God, and my family will be with only things I know that will never leave me. Especially when I need them the most, they will always be there and I can always count on them.Thankfully for Zack and his family, they had each other and they already have God. I didn't have family or Him when I went through this, and I was also 12. Zack and his brother are 21 turning 22 on the 21st of this month, his sister is not even a year younger than me. She will be turning 20 in March, and she is the one most active in churches, in fact she just came back from a month long mission trip. I'm probably rambling, my ADD is definitely kicking in right now. Anyways, I just want to say that Zack was my rock and I will always be here for him if he needs someone to talk to, especially during this. Losing a parent is a different feeling for everyone, but it's still something we share and can help each other with. Also, I'm just so thankful that he has his family, his good friends, and most importantly he has God... and with all of those things he will be nothing but successful and strong. And I know how strong he is, after all, he did put up with me and my emotions for almost two years. Now that I seemed to have gotten off topic, I'll finish up my theory on how Death is Not the End. Death is NOT the END because it just isn't. Obviously there is eternal life, which most people believe, but right now I am talking about here on Earth. Death is never the end for someone unless you make it the end for them. Here's my example: my father passed away, none of my current friends know him, my family didn't know him for the last almost 30 years of his life, and Zack or my future husband didn't/won't know him, you guys don't know him and no one current will ever get to meet him. It sucks, it really does suck, but it's the truth. But I am left with the choice of telling my father's story. If I tell his story, then he lives in the hearts of the people I told his story to. Don't you agree? I mean, if you've come into contact with someone, especially someone close to you that has lost someone, and they tell you about that person. Don't you always remember the stories especially if that person brings them up again? I know it worked like that with Zack. I remember on the morning of October 10, 2010 a month and three days after we started dating we were outside of his house and he had just got done cleaning out his car and he was about to clean out my car and I was on his Facebook about to make a cute status for him and then I read some guy's status that read, "RIP Ashley Haskins you will be missed" and right away I had a hunch it was my old bestfriend from 1st grade but I wasn't sure. You see, her and I grew up and met in my hometown. In 6th grade she had moved up to here, and I was still back in our hometown. Then after my dad passed away I ended up moving 20 minutes away from her, in the same county just different school districts. Well, Zack did help me confirm that it was my Ashley... I broke down, but he was there to help me, to hug me, to hold me tight and tell me it was going to be all right. I told him some of the funny crazy times Ashley and I had growing up, and even to this day if I bring up her name, I'm sure he would remember some of those stories, just like he knew/knows some of the stories of my dad. It will be hard for him to forget, but Ashley and my dad are living right now in Zack's heart and memory. They will never ever completely die. They will always live forever, in the hearts of the people I tell their stories to. Isn't it a wonderful feeling? I mean knowing that the person you love is still living, not only in you but in the people you told their stories to? Death is not the end. How blessed are we to have actually had the chance to know these people? I know I am blessed that I actually got to know my father, my friends, and definitely Mr. D before they left this place. Zack's dad, my dad, our friends, everyone you and I know, everyone everywhere will always live. Forever and always, as long as we tell their stories. death is not the end.

My tattoo is the infinity symbol with life written in it. Remember my theory, death is not the end, everyone will live forever if you let them.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker