I believe in signs.

Evening ladies and gents,

That was so lame, but whatever… I attempted to spice it up. …Some. Haha! Anyways, like always I haven’t written a new post in a while but today something really got me. Here is a super short background story to this post: my dad and I loved shooting stars. I remember growing up and during meteor showers he would wake me up so we could sneak out, being careful to not wake up my mom, and watch all the shooting stars. Great memories, that’s what that is. Well, ever since he passed away back in 2005… and since I could drive, I have my moments when I like to ask my dad a really important question. I like to ask my dad if he’s proud of me and if I’m on the right track of what I should be doing with my life. The first time I looked up into the night sky and asked my dad those questions was after I had a date with my ex. I was praying I could have a sign that my dad was proud of me, if he approved of my ex, and if he was just simply happy with whom I had become. Within minutes of asking that question, I looked up into the sky and saw a shooting star. Now, I have always had a tendency not to believe things right away… and I’m sure my dad knew that… because as I questioned whether or not I had just seen the shooting star, another one shot across the sky. It was the most beautiful sign I could ever receive. At that moment, I quit questioning. I knew my daddy was proud of me; after all… he answered me the best way he knew how. Since then I haven’t questioned any signs. This may be cheesy but it means a lot to me, and it has happened a few times after that night as well. Like tonight! I was driving home tonight from my house to my aunt and uncle’s house and it was just one of those weeks where I had to ask. For some reason, I’ve been slightly down in the dumps… but hey! That’s life; sometimes it gets the best of us when we know it shouldn’t. Tonight as I looked up into the sky during my night drive home, I asked my dad: dad, are you proud of me? Am I who you would want me to be? Am I doing what I was meant to do with my life?  Honestly, I got bummed out. I didn’t see the shooting star tonight within minutes, and that was the first time that had happened since I started asking him that question. I know it had only been like the fourth time I asked, but I got use to seeing, what I thought, was his sign of approval. I cranked my music back up and tried to clear my mind, I was deeply troubled. As if my week hadn’t already thrown some curveballs at me. Now, my dad wasn’t always around when we lived with my mom, but I remember that he never let me down. NEVER. Even though he passed away almost 8 years ago, he still has yet to let me down. Within 7-10 minutes, I let out a huge sigh, looked into the sky and I saw my dad’s sign of approval. A beautiful, bright, clear, shooting star.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker 

My daddy and I in Sweden. <3

The simple things in life.

Hi guys!

Well, I decided to write since I’m relaxing after being sick this past day. I’m watching the NY Giants v. Philadelphia Eagles game with my roommate. We went to the East Carolina University v. UTEP game last night which was fun! …Until they evacuated the stadium due to the weather that was approaching. Anyways… onto my blog. I am a firm believer that the simple things in life are what matter the most. Don’t get me wrong, I do like fancy things and I can be very fancy… but especially since my accident I have definitely come to appreciate simple things a lot more than I previously did. So, clearly since the break up my life was “oh so sad” but now I’m as happy as can be. I hung out with a guy from work twice last weekend after seeing my beautiful niece. Last weekend was great! This week was crazy/hectic but it was great too. I love my life, and the people in it. I honestly shouldn’t complain about my life, but I do. But I just wanted to take tonight to appreciate the little things. I love being able to go home when I want since I only live an hour away. I appreciate being able to go to school to get an education to hopefully become a nurse in whatever field I want. I appreciate my relationship with God and my family who helped guide me to Him. I appreciate the simple joy of longboarding. I appreciate living an hour from the beach. I appreciate having two jobs! I appreciate tye-dye. I appreciate movies, walks, exercising, and food. I appreciate art, and being able to somewhat draw. I appreciate my new whip, which happens to be a 1992 Jeep Wrangler… yes, I know it’s my age but it’s cute and it will get me through the next couple of years! I appreciate my exes, because they helped me grow to become the strong independent girl I am today and they helped me see how I should not be treated and how I should be treated. I appreciate old friends and old friendships I had that were great at once but then something happened and the true friends came out in my time of need when others stayed back. I appreciate my Kensie cat…she’s so silly but I love her to death. I appreciate simple dates. Going out for pizza or hamburgers… or staying in watching movies, playing video games and ordering pizza. I appreciate the little compliments I get about being “family oriented” or when people tell me how pretty I am. I appreciate a lot of those things. Now, don’t get me wrong… I do like simple things but I do like big surprises too.  I appreciate my aunt and uncle for everything. Without them I would not be who I am today, after my dad passed away and I had no place to live they took me into their home without hesitation and I could not be more thankful for that. They’re the best mom and dad anyone could ever have and I seriously would not be here today if it was not for them. I love them so much and I don’t know what I would do without them. Most of all, I appreciate my life. Simple as that… I am so thankful to be alive and I love it. I have been through some pretty crappy times but I know that life does get better. So, thank you God for all that you have given me. I’m unworthy but I am so thankful.

<><  

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Life as we know it.

Hey guys! So, I didn’t write yesterday… I had a nice relaxing day/night with my cousin Jeffrey. We went to see campaign, had dinner at Popeyes, came home watched movies and stayed up talking until 4 am. Anyways, today’s post will be short and sweet. It’s going to be about my dad since today was his birthday. He passed away while I was at a field trip in the 7th grade. The date was February 24, 2005… it was a rough day and it still is. Death isn’t an easy thing to grasp, especially if it;s someone you depend on for everything. I was 12 turning 13 when he passed away. He was 50 turning 51. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. I think about him all the time, I miss him so much. Sometimes, I wonder why he did lie to me about my life. I mean, I heard stories of possibly why he did, but I would love to be able to ask him. To get his side of the story instead of just assuming. I know he’s gone, so I know I will never get any of my questions answered and it sucks. That’s why honesty in a relationship is something I truly care about. I want my boyfriend to be 110% honest with me and be okay with it. Obviously Zack couldn’t cut it. The pressure was too much for him but I’m glad I found that out almost 2 years later rather than down the long road. I miss my dad, and yes I am upset about a lot of things. But I love him, I know he did everything with his best intentions (Zack often reminded me of that)… I just wish he was here to ask him more. I pray he had a great 58th birthday in Heaven. I don’t know if you guys have faced someone passing away, I’m sure you have, but I’m not sure you’ve also experienced someone in your immediate family passing away. It’s extremely difficult. Especially for a 12 year old who only had one parent and that was it. My world was crushed and completely changed. Anyways, death is hard. It’s clearly never easy. Especially if it is sudden and there were no signs of it happening. My dad’s death was sudden. We said our goodbyes in the morning when he dropped me off for my field trip and when I came back he wasn’t there. I never imagined this happening to me, no one does. He was gone. I just found his death certificate a couple of weeks ago actually. See, when my dad passed away they had advised me not to see him. I chose not to see his truck. My making those choices have greatly impacted my life though. I never fully knew what happened, I never fully will. But, I found his death certificate the other day and some online articles. I found out the name and age of the man who killed my father. He was exceeding a safe speed and charged with something else. He was driving a flatbed truck that had jack knifed and killed my father. My dad was supposedly on his way back to work after going home for lunch. His time of death was 1:12 pm… I was still watching the Medieval Times show when it happened. I was having a good time with friends. I didn’t know what happened, and knowing that I was having fun while he was suffering is awful. I read his death certificate and read the cause of his death. It was serious head trauma. I don’t know how long he suffered, or if he suffered at all, but I can only pray that it wasn’t bad. I pray that he didn’t suffer and I pray that he left this world with no pain at all. I miss him so much and I just pray for him all the time. It’s been hard not having him here. Knowing that he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle when I get married, he wasn’t here to see me graduate from high school, he won’t be here to see me graduate from college, he won’t be here to meet my grandkids, my family, my new friends, my next boyfriend. He won’t physically be here, but he will forever be in my heart and that is how he will live on. Remember, never leave someone angry and tell them you love them. Tomorrow is not promised and your life as you know it can change in the blink of an eye. Mine did.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My daddy and I back in 1993 while we were visiting my mom’s family in Sweden.

My daddy, me, and my mom.

My tattoo: Death is not the end and life is forever.

My dad and I at my friend’s mom’s wedding… this is one of the last pictures we have together.

My dad and I after I won 1st place in a horse riding competition when I was like 6 or 7.

& my daddy trying to calm me down, haha. I miss that man. <3 we were so cute.

Not Like The Movies

Heyy everyone! Good morning.  So, I just wrote a huge post, but I didn’t like it so I deleted it. I just wanted to talk about the name of my Blog today. First though, I just want to say I had a very fabulous day. I drove up to Raleigh to hang out with my cousin, who is pretty much my sister, and her daughter. It was a great day, and it ended even better because I got to talk to Zack a little. Not much, but a little, and after what I realized yesterday or well, thought about yesterday (My purpose: blog post), it made talking to Zack a lot easier. So overall today was great, fantastic, amazing, happy, and fabulous. All of the above… Okay. So the name of my Blog is “Not Like The Movies” if you listen to Katy Perry or saw her movie, then you probably have heard this song. The last day Zack and I had talked, he told me he was tired of fighting. I was too but that’s what he said. He just didn’t want to fight anymore and I can’t blame him. I was tired of it, but I just did it. At first it was because of little lies he told, I just wanted him to know that I would much prefer the truth all up front rather than little lies and me finding out the truth eventually. I think everyone deserves that, and he knew how I felt about lying. My dad lied to me about the most important things in my life, so anytime Zack lied about something little it freaked me out. More so because they say when you start out lying it may be little things, but then that can snow ball and the thought of that freaked me out. However; I kept working with him. I never gave up and I knew we could work through it. Anyways, there is one line in that song that made me think of what he had said and it goes as follows: If it’s not like the movies, that’s how it should be. Now… I’m not talking about the whole song, just that one line. A lot of movies use to portray relationships and such as “perfect” happy tails with “perfect” happy endings and such. Well, I’m sorry but I don’t believe in “perfect” relationships. I don’t believe in relationships that are all just happy faces and no fighting. I believe in relationships that are real. That have their ups and downs. That have the arguments and making up. That have their I’m mad at you but of course I still love you moments. I don’t know, maybe I’m just boring or I have a weird view on relationships but that’s what I believe. Time for me to go to bed so I can get up early and work at Aeropostale tomorrow! Let me know what you guys think.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My "niece" and I goofing around at the mall today! :)

Salon talk.

Hmmm... good morning. I guess I may as well start getting use to this since I keep writing this so late/early! I'm sitting in my old bedroom watching the Olympics with my cousin Jeffrey. It's good bonding time and he's definitely keeping me positive. So, as the title sorta hints to this, I got my hair cut today. The lady that cuts my hair is so sweet, she's cut it for quite a few years now. She had asked how I had been doing and asked about the vacation I was supposed to be on. I told her about how my aunt and uncle were in Texas but how I flew back to be here for my friend/ex. We ended up talking the whole time about how my relationship had ended, what had happened, the people involved, and all that sweet juicy stuff. It was very good to talk to her, to get that stuff off my chest, to get another person's point of view. However, when I was talking to her about Zack I started tearing up. She apologized for asking about him, but I told her I was okay with it. It was life, and life works in weird ways. Of course though, with me talking about him and tearing up about him, my hair stylist started slightly tearing up as well. She told me that she could really tell how much I cared about him, that it showed through the way I talked about him. I loved hearing that, I always wonder if I sound bitter or something, because I'm not. I'm glad we had our relationship, I'm glad he was my bestfriend. I hate how it ended, I truly do, but I'd rather be friends than nothing at all. He's a sweetheart. Anyways, I told her everything and I didn't even have to tell her how I felt... she could gather that from the way I talked about him. I don't have much to say, but I will leave you with this. My hair stylist did tell me some very cliche but very true words of wisdom, she said: If he is meant to be  yours, then he will be... and if not, then be thankful that he didn't get in the way of what is supposed to be yours. How true and how wise, what a good way to look at a situation like this. Weather you are a guy or a girl, that is the perfect way to think about it. So, as I said, I'm leaving you with that.

Remember: If he/she is meant to be yours then he/she will be... if not, then be thankful that he/she didn't get in the way of what is truly meant to be yours.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My very handsome Valentine's Date for 2012... everyday with him was like Valentine's Day. <3

My busy, busy life.

Well. It's about time to finally get back on here. Sorry I have neglected this Blog after just getting it. I was doing so good and steady for three tiny days but then some serious events came into my life for me being only 20 years old. First I got a house. I had all that serious "grown up" stuff to do which I am still working on. Along with that I was in summer school which was pretty intense. I finally finished that this past Friday. Thank God I passed all my classes and now have a free summer. And well, remember Ponchita and Kensington? I may have mentioned them. They're my two kittens I rescued. Well, Ponchita passed away on the 23rd of July. She got super sick and we all miss her. I'll write another Blog introducing them, she was actually writing in the Blog Post that I had written the day after I hung out with my friend. This past week I finally "caught a break" but then I was on Facebook one night this past week and saw where my ex had unblocked me. Which was fine but just seeing him along with wanting him back and putting/seeing all his pictures at my place brings back so many great memories. So seeing him broke me down. So I had to block him.. I have nothing to hide. I just didn't want to see him. :( anyways.... I keep rambling but it's my Blog so I'll do as I please. I went out and got birthday cards for my cousins on the 31st before I went home to pack. Well when I went to Hallmark I got there card and on the way to check out I saw an I Love You card I got him before. So I picked it up and that night I poured my soul into the card. Keeping it with me. Not sure if I would ever be blessed with the chance to give it to him. After all we haven't talked since June 15th. Anywho, I finally left for vacation with my family on the 1st. We came down to Atlanta to have a birthday dinner for my cousin before she went to work. It was nice and relaxing. Not having to worry about school, getting out of my state, all of the above. Just nice and relaxing and good spending time with my family. Well, on the 2nd we woke up and we went to breakfast at Einstein Bagles.... SOOOOI DELISH!!!!!! Then we went to Voyles to go look at some cars for my aunt and uncle. Literally as we got in the car to leave at 9:17 am I got a text from him.... Zack. I saw his name pop up with the heart beside it. I was so confused until I started reading. He text me to tell me something about his dad... I broke down before even completing the text. I had my aunt read it and right away we started praying. I called Zack we talked a few minutes. It was a serious situation. I immediately started looking up plane tickets to get home ASAP. Zack texted me shortly to tell me that his father had passed away. My heart sank for him. I felt so unbelievably bad that I was not there for him. I was on my way to Alabama to see my other cousin for his birthday. I know sorta how he felt but I couldn't understand. My father passed away when I was 12. My mother was deported when I was 8. I had no one when my father passed away but thank god he had his family. I was happy and thankful that they all had each other in this time. I don't know how to help him but I'm doing the best I can to support him. So please, please support him and please, please pray for him and his family. Every bit of help is much appreciated. Well it's 806 pm here in Alabama. I have to be up early since my flight out is at 611 am. I can finally go home and be there to support him an his family. So, please pray. Thank you all.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker