Regret.

Good evening everyone,

So, I just wanted to do a little blog on regret. It’s a sketchy topic for most people and it’s usually personal but I’m just going to state my opinion. A month ago today, I was driving home and wrecked my car. It was a bad accident, and should have been way worse. I don’t regret my decision to go home that day, if anything I’m glad I did. However, I did blog the previous night about my ex and how many times he had lied or something along those lines… and in a way writing that blog probably made it seem like I regretted dating him. Well, just to clear everything up I don’t. I don’t regret any of my choices that I have made through out my life. It’s weird… sometimes I look back and think, “What on Earth was I thinking… that was so dumb.” I’m sure we think that about something we’ve done in our past. But, the past is indeed the past. We cannot change what we did or how we did it. What’s done is done… and think about it; When you did it at the time, it was what you wanted, right? If you didn’t want to do it, then you wouldn’t have. That’s how I feel about it. I don’t regret anything, because at one point in my life it is exactly what I wanted. It might not have been later on. I don’t regret old friendships with people or past choices, at the time it was what I wanted. Yeah, now I look back and I see how some things didn’t work out and I get frustrated trying to convince myself it was stupid and I shouldn’t have done that or tried/worked at something, but it all comes down to the fact that at that very moment in time, it was exactly what I wanted. So, the next time you try to say you regret something, think about it. Do you really regret it? Or are you just in denial about it? Live life without regrets. Learn from past mistakes and move on, don’t let them get the best of you. You control your life.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

(left to right) Me, Kayla, and Samantha. These were my two bestfriends/roommates last year but that didn’t go over so well. I don’t regret the relationships we had… instead I learned from them and moved on.

The interesting day of a cat’s life…

Hi guys! So, Zack picked out the title of this one today. We have been texting and well he helped me come up with this. More like I just asked him what I should write about and that is what he sent back. At first I was thinking “Eh, no. That’s silly…” but then I thought about it a little longer and it hit me! When I went to mass today the Deacon said the homily and it started out with him talking about taking care of the Priest’s cats while he was on his Mission Trip. Agnes and Lucy are their names. He said that everyday he went to take care of them he realized how much they depended on him. They would just wait for someone to come through that door and take care of them, everyday. They never knew what would happen that day, they didn’t know if someone would show up or if someone wouldn’t, they just had Faith that someone would. We should do this ourselves. Cats, dogs, babies, or anything dependent on someone… they have the most faith. They have faith that they will get fed and that they will get taken care of. They fully rely on us (well, the indoor pets), they fully rely on us to take care of them. Babies cannot take care of themselves, they too also fully rely on us. These creatures have Faith. They have confidence in us, that we will pull through for them. They trust us to take care of them. They display the true definition of having Faith. I don’t know about you guys, but I believe in God. I believe that He knows what is best for me and my future. I believe He has everything under control, and I believe I am following the path that He has made for me and wants me to follow. I have Faith in Him. I have confidence in God and what He is doing with my life… and yeah. I might think my life has been a little on the rough side, but I trust Him and the choices He made for my life. I have faith in Him. Well, it’s time for me to rest. It’s 1:49 in the morning, Zack and I are in deep conversation which may or may not be good, and I want to figure out what I’m doing Monday for my dad’s birthday. Can you believe he would have been 58 this year? I wish he was physically here with me to celebrate. Apparently he had loved Pineapple upside down cake so maybe I’ll make that after I go to mass. Goodnight everyone. Hug and kiss the people you love, and tell them you love them while they’re here. You never know when you may not see them again.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

...and yes. I did keep the heart by his name even though we've been broken up for a while.

Not Like The Movies

Heyy everyone! Good morning.  So, I just wrote a huge post, but I didn’t like it so I deleted it. I just wanted to talk about the name of my Blog today. First though, I just want to say I had a very fabulous day. I drove up to Raleigh to hang out with my cousin, who is pretty much my sister, and her daughter. It was a great day, and it ended even better because I got to talk to Zack a little. Not much, but a little, and after what I realized yesterday or well, thought about yesterday (My purpose: blog post), it made talking to Zack a lot easier. So overall today was great, fantastic, amazing, happy, and fabulous. All of the above… Okay. So the name of my Blog is “Not Like The Movies” if you listen to Katy Perry or saw her movie, then you probably have heard this song. The last day Zack and I had talked, he told me he was tired of fighting. I was too but that’s what he said. He just didn’t want to fight anymore and I can’t blame him. I was tired of it, but I just did it. At first it was because of little lies he told, I just wanted him to know that I would much prefer the truth all up front rather than little lies and me finding out the truth eventually. I think everyone deserves that, and he knew how I felt about lying. My dad lied to me about the most important things in my life, so anytime Zack lied about something little it freaked me out. More so because they say when you start out lying it may be little things, but then that can snow ball and the thought of that freaked me out. However; I kept working with him. I never gave up and I knew we could work through it. Anyways, there is one line in that song that made me think of what he had said and it goes as follows: If it’s not like the movies, that’s how it should be. Now… I’m not talking about the whole song, just that one line. A lot of movies use to portray relationships and such as “perfect” happy tails with “perfect” happy endings and such. Well, I’m sorry but I don’t believe in “perfect” relationships. I don’t believe in relationships that are all just happy faces and no fighting. I believe in relationships that are real. That have their ups and downs. That have the arguments and making up. That have their I’m mad at you but of course I still love you moments. I don’t know, maybe I’m just boring or I have a weird view on relationships but that’s what I believe. Time for me to go to bed so I can get up early and work at Aeropostale tomorrow! Let me know what you guys think.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My "niece" and I goofing around at the mall today! :)

My purpose:

Well, this post is early in the day! I’m at home, no one is here, and it’s too late and cloudy to sit by the pool now, so I decided to write. It’s been a week since Zack’s daddy passed away. I think that was one of the harder “milestones” of knowing that my dad wasn’t coming back. He had never left me for a week unless he went to Quanico, VA or something for TDY. So, I’m definitely thinking about Zack today and praying for him… I know it’s hard but I know he’s staying busy to keep his mind away from reality. I did the same, and I think we all do going through something like this. There’s nothing like it. Anyways, I talked to Zack last night. He met me outside of the mall and we just sat and talked. It was really nice, and like old times. Minus the affection… of course. All I’m going to say about it is that I loved talking to him, as a friend. It was so nice to have that friend again. But, I did think it was cute when we hugged good-bye. We had that “almost” the same tight embrace, the secure one that made everything better. I had my head rested on his chest and he had asked me if I was listening for his heart and then I noticed his heart beat was nice and slow and replied, “Well, I wasn’t at first but now I am…” and we had made direct eye contact in this. Well, I put my head back to avoid all the rush of the feelings coming back because, well, you know how movies are. The exes make eye contact and everything rushes back. Anyways, I put my head back on his chest to listen to his heart and I then had realized that his heart was beginning to race. My heart does that everytime I see him, especially the first day I saw him… my heart just races. It’s so cute, and I thought that was really cute that I noticed his heart did the same. But, we are just friends and of course there are “no feelings”…. pshh. Hahaha, now… To the reason of my blog. It’s called My purpose. This morning when I woke up, thinking about Zack, for some reason I was in that deep thinking. Weird, but whatevs. Anyways, I started thinking and praying and I thought: Maybe my purpose or the purpose of my relationship with Zack was to prepare him for what happened on August 2nd. I mean, he did deal with me and my emotions and he knew all of my feelings about my dad and his death. Zack took care of me and helped me deal with them, so in a sense it gave him a background on the subject. So, I don’t know, I could be very wrong, but I do feel that my purpose was to help him. We didn’t know that this would happen, but I feel that God did put me in His life for a certain reason and maybe that was the reason. Who knows, I don’t, no one down here does. Only God knows. What do you think?

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My daddy and I at the beach when I was a kid, and yes. That is a leash.

Salon talk.

Hmmm... good morning. I guess I may as well start getting use to this since I keep writing this so late/early! I'm sitting in my old bedroom watching the Olympics with my cousin Jeffrey. It's good bonding time and he's definitely keeping me positive. So, as the title sorta hints to this, I got my hair cut today. The lady that cuts my hair is so sweet, she's cut it for quite a few years now. She had asked how I had been doing and asked about the vacation I was supposed to be on. I told her about how my aunt and uncle were in Texas but how I flew back to be here for my friend/ex. We ended up talking the whole time about how my relationship had ended, what had happened, the people involved, and all that sweet juicy stuff. It was very good to talk to her, to get that stuff off my chest, to get another person's point of view. However, when I was talking to her about Zack I started tearing up. She apologized for asking about him, but I told her I was okay with it. It was life, and life works in weird ways. Of course though, with me talking about him and tearing up about him, my hair stylist started slightly tearing up as well. She told me that she could really tell how much I cared about him, that it showed through the way I talked about him. I loved hearing that, I always wonder if I sound bitter or something, because I'm not. I'm glad we had our relationship, I'm glad he was my bestfriend. I hate how it ended, I truly do, but I'd rather be friends than nothing at all. He's a sweetheart. Anyways, I told her everything and I didn't even have to tell her how I felt... she could gather that from the way I talked about him. I don't have much to say, but I will leave you with this. My hair stylist did tell me some very cliche but very true words of wisdom, she said: If he is meant to be  yours, then he will be... and if not, then be thankful that he didn't get in the way of what is supposed to be yours. How true and how wise, what a good way to look at a situation like this. Weather you are a guy or a girl, that is the perfect way to think about it. So, as I said, I'm leaving you with that.

Remember: If he/she is meant to be yours then he/she will be... if not, then be thankful that he/she didn't get in the way of what is truly meant to be yours.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My very handsome Valentine's Date for 2012... everyday with him was like Valentine's Day. <3

Look at us now.

Well, once again it’s 1 in the morning and I’m starting to write. I had this pulled up at 9, but I’m super ADD, I was texting, watching the Olympics and Jimmy Kimmel… now AFV, and well I’ve been on Facebook and looking at pictures. Today was August 7, 2012, last year it was a very happy joyous day. Zack and I had a cute date as we always did every month. My friends would “bash” the fact that we celebrated our anniversary every month, but I loved it and absolutely adored the idea. He was amazing and so loving. Simply the best and oh so cute. Well, today would have been our 1 year 11 month anniversary and I hated the thought of this day. However, at least he was the first and last person I was texting on this day. You never know where you will end up in the future. Zack always told me to live in the present, I should have listened. When you love in the present you don’t get hurt as much. Once you get the feeling that there will be a definite future, and it doesn’t happen, you get hurt. But what is life without hurt. I feel like if we didn’t get to experience some of the emotions that we do, then we aren’t truly living. I just got off the phone with my aunt, it’s about 320 am now… She’s three hours behind us. My aunt and uncle are in El Paso, Texas right now, which is where I would be but I chose to come home. I miss her a lot, she helps me more than she knows. A majority of our talks are about life and keeping faith. She knows how depressed I am, but she helps me so much. Back to the reason for this post… I mean look at Zack and I. Our year and eleven month anniversary, you would have never thought we’d be where we are now. I mean, look at us now. We went from friends, to bestfriends/boyfriend/girlfriend, to still bestfriends, to complete strangers… now we are just here. I mean, I still want to be bestfriends… I want to and I will be here as his friend. It is up to him to either be the same way or not or to work up to it or not. Have you ever listened to Johnny Cash’s song Hurt?  That song, the first time I heard it, I thought of Zack. Especially our situation and the line: What have I become, my sweetest friend. Everyone I know, goes away in the end.” That song is so true, to a T. It’s the story of my life… and I am so incredibly sorry for how I was with Zack. I know nothing I do or say can get him back, but I’m not accepting that. I just wish I could get my bestfriend back… A year ago I would have never imagined I would be going through this, that him and I would be going through this. However what I do know right now is that I am here for him if he wants or needs me, I always will be, and I know that he just needs a friend. I’m not trying to fight for him back, me flying back wasn’t my attempt to come back and win him over. No, it was for me to be a friend here for him during this time. I am his friend, and I will be here for him. That’s what good friends do and I will never be anything less than a good friend to anyone. I also do know that I need to stop worrying. Once you worry about things, you lose faith. I mean, think about it… if you are worrying about something then you clearly are not letting God handle it. Is it that I don’t trust Him with my problems? No, it’s just that I’m human and I worry… but I shouldn’t and I will work on that. I’m going to F.R.O.G… Fully Rely On God. Well, I’m going to try my hardest. Now that it is 4 am I think it is time for me to go to bed but I will leave you guys with this: even though I never expected Zack and I to end up like this, I still love him and wish nothing but the best for him. I mean, you never just stop caring or loving someone… not that easy or ever. If you do, then you never truly cared or loved that person in the first place. 

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker