We live and we learn

Hey guys!

So, I’ve had a pretty amazing week! I got into Nursing School and everything is just grand.  One thing I really wanted to address is something that happened 10 days ago. On the 10th of October it was the 2 year anniversary of my old childhood bestfriend’s passing away. Now, when we get in relationships we tend to spend most of our time with that person. I spent a lot of time with homeboy… I mean, I did love him. Well, Ashley was my bestfriend from 1st grade from back home… She moved away after 6th grade and well, after my dad passed away I ended up in the same town that she had moved it. It was great, we started hanging out again, but it was also bad too. I started getting in trouble, we started getting in trouble. So we quit hanging out, and we were 13 at this time. Well, I started dating my boy in September of 2010… He was perfect, amazing, and handsome. Of course I wanted to spend every chance I got with him! Who wouldn’t? Well, Ashley had gotten up with me that summer and we were trying to make plans to hang out when she got back. Well, we kept making plans and I kept putting them off because I was with my boy. Well, October 10, 2010, I was at his house and he was washing his car and while I was on his Facebook I had saw someone’s status that read: RIP Ashley Ha****s… you will be missed. Right away I had that sinking feeling in my gut, I asked homeboy if the kid went to school with him since Ashley went to the same school and his answer was yes. That night, right around my ex’s house Ashley was killed along with two of her other friends. They had all been drinking and so had the driver, they all got into the car that night and all three passengers were killed when the driver took a curve too fast. He lived. Now, what I want to get at is: yes, I loved my ex, I still do… but when we are in relationships don’t ignore the other people that you had in your life previous to them. Make time for your friends, you never know when it could be too late. I don’t regret spending all the time I could with my ex, I really don’t, but I could have also spent time with Ashley. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about everything. She was my bestfriend, she helped me a lot after my dad passed away, and we always grew up defending each other from bullies at school. She was my sister from another mister. I love her and miss her, and maybe if I would have been a better friend, things would have turned out differently. However, I do believe everything happens for a reason and they do make us think and appreciate things more. I do appreciate both relationships I had, but I really wish I would have been a better friend to AshBash. Remember: We have our relationships with our “significant other” and they’re all great and stuff… but we are individuals in our relationships too and we have our old friends that helped us where we got to today. So make time for them, you never know if it’s too late.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Ashley the blondie! ...and I'm in the bottom right corner. An old yearbook picture of us!

Relationships with God.

Happy Sunday everyone!

For most of you guys, Sunday is a church day. I’m Catholic and I try to attend mostly on Saturdays… but if not I go on Sunday. I can PROUDLY say that since I have been in college the past three years, I have only missed mass three days. Once during my freshman year and I was home for Christmas break and it had been snowing, the second time was this past year, end of my sophomore year. We had gone up to the Basilica National Shrine up in Washington D.C, but we had gone to mass at noon that day which didn’t fulfill the weekend obligation… and the last time was this past summer when my sweet little Ponchita died. I was headed to mass in Goldsboro with my family on a Sunday morning when my roommate called and told me that our kitty wasn’t doing good, so I rushed back home and took her to the vet. She was so sick, and I tried my best to take care of her and get her the medications the doctors prescribed her… but there was nothing we could do and we ended up putting her to sleep. Those are the ONLY three times I have missed mass since I have been in college. Now… you might be reading this and thinking, “okay girl, what is the purpose of this?” …Well, my purpose of writing this is to make you think. Are you religious? Many a time people tell me,”God knows me and knows my intentions. I might not go to church but He knows me and we have our own unique relationship. That’s why I don’t feel like I have to go to church.” …Are you one of these people? I understand and I’m not judging you, if that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. I am not going to change my opinions about you. What you do is your business. If we were friends and you thought like this, we will still be friends. I just wanted to preach my opinion on the matter. So here it goes:

THINK ABOUT THIS:

You have your friends right? The ones that will always be there for you no matter what? The ones that you have to see at least once a week, if not more. Those friends that mean the world to you because you love them and they love you… you know that you will always be there for them just like they will always be there for you? Well, think about this. What is God to you? God will ALWAYS be there for you, He loves you UNCONDITIONALLY and you mean the world to Him. Do you not love Him? Is He not always there for you? Just because you cannot see Him does not mean that He isn’t there. If you believe in Him then you KNOW He is there… Is He not like that friend? Do you not ask God for help, especially when you are in predicaments? So, why is it hard to go see Him once a week in His house? I don’t understand this… I take 15 hours of classes, weekly. I work 10 hours a week. I want to see my friends and my family… I make time to go out on dates, or to have time to relax. It doesn’t kill me to take one hour out of my hectic week to go see God in his house. I mean, if I can see my friends that may or may not always be there, then I can definitely go see God. The One who is and will always be there for me. God knows me and my intentions too, I am not perfect but I do make time out of my week to see Him in His house.

Think about it… do you have a healthy relationship with God… or are you using Him? …Is He like that bestfriend you have that you make time to see, or is He like that friend that you only use for favors?

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Baby Ponchita the night I rescued her and Kensington... and my first tattoo. <><

Life is stressful, yet beautiful.

Hi everyone!

Per norm, I’m apologizing for not being on here like I use to be. I really need to make a set schedule and follow through with it on things that I am going to do/want to do/need to do. I was just thinking back to my post on the 1st of this month. I can’t help but think that, that would have been a horrible last final note to leave the world if I would have died the next day when I wrecked. I’m not sure if anyone from my hometown really knows about my Blog except for a couple of people… but I know I want it to be fully known if anything does happen to me. I would have hated to leave on a “bitter” note. Honestly, I am so happy now. Yes, I get lonely and yes, I am super stressed but I am thankful I am still here and still able to feel all these emotions! Not sure what I want to talk about tonight. For starters, I have been so busy and completely stressed. I have had 4 Psychology exams in the past week, FOUR. It’s been crazy! On top of that I have been trying to work out, I’ve been working about 8-10 hours a week, dealing with the insurance about my car, trying to car shop, and everything. This past weekend, my grandma and aunt flew from El Paso, Texas to visit for my uncle’s surprise 60th birthday party and boy was he surprised! It was great seeing all my family, and having everyone come out. I am so blessed to be a part of such a huge loving family… and speaking of HUGE. My cousin, who is basically my sister, Chica, is having her baby bright and early in the morning! I’m so excited for my Goddaughter/niece/cousin to make her grand entrance to the world. I am so in love with life right now and all these blessings that I have been given. Also, I have been okay about Zack. I’m sure if I saw him maybe I would feel different, but as of now I am free.  Happy and free. I’m going to Sweden in December to see my mom and her family! I reapplied for Nursing school again, and they send out letters on the 15th of October so we will see how that goes! I’m so happy with my relationships with my family right now, they were close before my wreck and now they are even closer. I love it, and I love them. They’re all so great and supportive. Also, another bit of good news… I’m hanging out with a friend from work tomorrow night. It’ll be good to get to know someone new and to hang out. I’m pretty excited about all of this. Anyways, I decided I’m going to skip class tomorrow and drive to Raleigh to see my cousin and my Goddaughter! (They haven’t picked out a solid name yet, they have ideas but not a definite choice yet… hence me not saying her name) Goodnight everyone, hopefully I will Blog after I get home tomorrow. Just remember, God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Life may be so stressful at times, but think positive… Life is beautiful!

Goodnight everyone,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Kenzie and I sitting at the table... I swear she loves me.

Another chance.

Hi everyone! So, today has been eventful. I just want to say that I am thankful to be alive. On my way home today I totaled my pretty little car. The cop even said that it was amazing that I survived. I looked at him and replied, "Well, God just doesn't want me quite yet." I believe that what ever purpose He has for me, I have yet to fulfill. Which is fabulous because I love life too much, especially right now. I'll just let you guys in on what happened. I was driving home today from college. I decided to leave my cat at home, which I never do... Well, on my way home a dog started walking out in the road. I thought for sure he wasn't going to walk in my way. I was going 60 in the 55. Well, he decided to keep walking and his head was right at the orange double line. So, I decided if I swerved just enough I'd be okay and so would he. Well, I ended up going into the grass on the right side and missed him. Then, I pulled onto the road again but a tad bit too fast. I lost control of my car... I started spinning and hit an approx 5ft ditch head on. Upon impact my car flew into the air, flipped, and landed upside down on top of a tree. It was scary, but what was even scarier was what happened inside and the events leading up to it. Just before I wrecked I was on the phone, no. Not texting as you probably assume... I heard a weather warning on the radio and called my roommate to tell him if the weather gets bad to stay with his friends at their apartment and not to worry about going home because I gave Kenz (our cat) plenty of food And water so she would be okay. I hung up and set down my phone, and as I did that I saw that dog. Also, before this I had had been driving with my windows down and my sunroof open but it started raining so I had to close them. I tried opening them back up after the rain stopped but water still kept coming in my car so I closed it back up, again. Well when I lost control I was desperately trying to slow down and gain control of my car again. I realized I couldn't and as I hit the ditch and started flipping I grabbed my steering wheel. Praying that holding onto it would save me but instead my chest slammed into it and I somehow got flung into the back of my car. I landed on my back when this horrible ride came to a stop. It was the worst roller coaster ride ever. Just plain awful. Well web I flew around my car I jammed my middle finger trying to land, grab, brace my fall or whatever I was doing. Oh, and why did I fly out of my seat? I have no idea. I had my seatbelt on an I have bruises to prove it. The EMT believes since I lean my seat back a little I slide out of it. It makes sense but I still have no idea. I just know I'm alive and thankful that I am. I'm also thankful no one else was around to get injured. Well, I did land in the back of my car and I was confused at where I was. I finally realized I was there and crawled to my drivers side an started honking the horn praying someone could hear me. I didn't know where I had landed or what happened. I couldn't get out of my door but I did realize my car was still on. I was about to attempt to break a window to get out but when I realized my car was still alive I started pressing buttons. Finally figured out how to get my passenger side window down and I crawled out of my car from there. No one was around at the time but I ran to the road and a small silver car was just about to pass and I flagged then down. As I did I fell. I guess I fell from being so shook up but I fell. They turned around an people started stopping. All I was concerned about was calling my aunt and uncle to tell them I was I an accident but okay. Finally the ambulance came and rushed me to the ER. I am so thankful to be alive. I checked out okay. They took X-rays and did exams but I am okay. I'm alive! I made it out with a jammed middle finger and a bruised body. I am alive and I have been blessed! My daddy and God were definitely looking out for me today and I am so entirely thankful. I love my life and this second chance I have been given. I don't know how I am still alive but I just know that I am. Goodnight everyone.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

S[he] be[lie]ve[s].

Hi everyone! So, once again I have neglected my Blog. Things have been going iffy. Between working at home, not talking to Zack anymore, finding out more things that he lied about, school starting back again, cleaning my house, starting my new job at school, taking care of my cat, and making sure I definitely have time for mass and my family… you can say I’ve been pretty busy. Well, the school I go to is awesome and we won our opening football game of the season 35-13. Pretty awesome, huh? I don’t have much to say… I don’t really know how I feel lately. You ever feel like that? I don’t know how I feel right now… like if I’m happy, mad, sad, tired, disappointed, confused, guilty, hurt, or maybe all of the above. Zack lied. That’s for sure. That’s all I know is that he lied, and he kept lying to me when we were supposed to try to be friends but everything even then was a complete lie. It’s like all he did was breath, eat, sleep and lie to me. I don’t know what else to say about it, that’s all there is to it. He lied. He freaking lied to me and I was stupid enough to keep believing him even after all the other lies he had told me during our relationship. I’m hurt. I don’t understand how you can sit there and tell someone you love them and lie to them the whole time. It doesn’t work that way. Did you guys hear Taylor Swift’s new song? That’s exactly what it is. Him and I would never ever get back together, ever. I would have to be a complete idiot to go back to something like that. Something that seemed so true that turned out to be a complete lie. I just hope when he finds his next “girlfriend” that he is 110% completely honest with her. I would feel so bad for her if he lies to her like he did me. I think he did it with his best intentions, but a lie is a lie. Just like a cat is a cat. You can’t change that. He freaking lied to me. I’m mad, I’m everything and it doesn’t even matter. Oh well. God will take care of me. He will send me someone who won’t lie and will love me for who I am and for all my flaws. I believe in Him and what He is doing for me. I’m exhausted, and I promise to at least write once a week now. Hopefully twice if I’m not busy during work. Goodnight everyone! Sorry for the rant, but it was needed.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

You told me yes, you held me high... and I believed when you told that lie.

Life as we know it.

Hey guys! So, I didn’t write yesterday… I had a nice relaxing day/night with my cousin Jeffrey. We went to see campaign, had dinner at Popeyes, came home watched movies and stayed up talking until 4 am. Anyways, today’s post will be short and sweet. It’s going to be about my dad since today was his birthday. He passed away while I was at a field trip in the 7th grade. The date was February 24, 2005… it was a rough day and it still is. Death isn’t an easy thing to grasp, especially if it;s someone you depend on for everything. I was 12 turning 13 when he passed away. He was 50 turning 51. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. I think about him all the time, I miss him so much. Sometimes, I wonder why he did lie to me about my life. I mean, I heard stories of possibly why he did, but I would love to be able to ask him. To get his side of the story instead of just assuming. I know he’s gone, so I know I will never get any of my questions answered and it sucks. That’s why honesty in a relationship is something I truly care about. I want my boyfriend to be 110% honest with me and be okay with it. Obviously Zack couldn’t cut it. The pressure was too much for him but I’m glad I found that out almost 2 years later rather than down the long road. I miss my dad, and yes I am upset about a lot of things. But I love him, I know he did everything with his best intentions (Zack often reminded me of that)… I just wish he was here to ask him more. I pray he had a great 58th birthday in Heaven. I don’t know if you guys have faced someone passing away, I’m sure you have, but I’m not sure you’ve also experienced someone in your immediate family passing away. It’s extremely difficult. Especially for a 12 year old who only had one parent and that was it. My world was crushed and completely changed. Anyways, death is hard. It’s clearly never easy. Especially if it is sudden and there were no signs of it happening. My dad’s death was sudden. We said our goodbyes in the morning when he dropped me off for my field trip and when I came back he wasn’t there. I never imagined this happening to me, no one does. He was gone. I just found his death certificate a couple of weeks ago actually. See, when my dad passed away they had advised me not to see him. I chose not to see his truck. My making those choices have greatly impacted my life though. I never fully knew what happened, I never fully will. But, I found his death certificate the other day and some online articles. I found out the name and age of the man who killed my father. He was exceeding a safe speed and charged with something else. He was driving a flatbed truck that had jack knifed and killed my father. My dad was supposedly on his way back to work after going home for lunch. His time of death was 1:12 pm… I was still watching the Medieval Times show when it happened. I was having a good time with friends. I didn’t know what happened, and knowing that I was having fun while he was suffering is awful. I read his death certificate and read the cause of his death. It was serious head trauma. I don’t know how long he suffered, or if he suffered at all, but I can only pray that it wasn’t bad. I pray that he didn’t suffer and I pray that he left this world with no pain at all. I miss him so much and I just pray for him all the time. It’s been hard not having him here. Knowing that he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle when I get married, he wasn’t here to see me graduate from high school, he won’t be here to see me graduate from college, he won’t be here to meet my grandkids, my family, my new friends, my next boyfriend. He won’t physically be here, but he will forever be in my heart and that is how he will live on. Remember, never leave someone angry and tell them you love them. Tomorrow is not promised and your life as you know it can change in the blink of an eye. Mine did.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My daddy and I back in 1993 while we were visiting my mom’s family in Sweden.

My daddy, me, and my mom.

My tattoo: Death is not the end and life is forever.

My dad and I at my friend’s mom’s wedding… this is one of the last pictures we have together.

My dad and I after I won 1st place in a horse riding competition when I was like 6 or 7.

& my daddy trying to calm me down, haha. I miss that man. <3 we were so cute.

Not Like The Movies

Heyy everyone! Good morning.  So, I just wrote a huge post, but I didn’t like it so I deleted it. I just wanted to talk about the name of my Blog today. First though, I just want to say I had a very fabulous day. I drove up to Raleigh to hang out with my cousin, who is pretty much my sister, and her daughter. It was a great day, and it ended even better because I got to talk to Zack a little. Not much, but a little, and after what I realized yesterday or well, thought about yesterday (My purpose: blog post), it made talking to Zack a lot easier. So overall today was great, fantastic, amazing, happy, and fabulous. All of the above… Okay. So the name of my Blog is “Not Like The Movies” if you listen to Katy Perry or saw her movie, then you probably have heard this song. The last day Zack and I had talked, he told me he was tired of fighting. I was too but that’s what he said. He just didn’t want to fight anymore and I can’t blame him. I was tired of it, but I just did it. At first it was because of little lies he told, I just wanted him to know that I would much prefer the truth all up front rather than little lies and me finding out the truth eventually. I think everyone deserves that, and he knew how I felt about lying. My dad lied to me about the most important things in my life, so anytime Zack lied about something little it freaked me out. More so because they say when you start out lying it may be little things, but then that can snow ball and the thought of that freaked me out. However; I kept working with him. I never gave up and I knew we could work through it. Anyways, there is one line in that song that made me think of what he had said and it goes as follows: If it’s not like the movies, that’s how it should be. Now… I’m not talking about the whole song, just that one line. A lot of movies use to portray relationships and such as “perfect” happy tails with “perfect” happy endings and such. Well, I’m sorry but I don’t believe in “perfect” relationships. I don’t believe in relationships that are all just happy faces and no fighting. I believe in relationships that are real. That have their ups and downs. That have the arguments and making up. That have their I’m mad at you but of course I still love you moments. I don’t know, maybe I’m just boring or I have a weird view on relationships but that’s what I believe. Time for me to go to bed so I can get up early and work at Aeropostale tomorrow! Let me know what you guys think.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My "niece" and I goofing around at the mall today! :)