We live and we learn

Hey guys!

So, I’ve had a pretty amazing week! I got into Nursing School and everything is just grand.  One thing I really wanted to address is something that happened 10 days ago. On the 10th of October it was the 2 year anniversary of my old childhood bestfriend’s passing away. Now, when we get in relationships we tend to spend most of our time with that person. I spent a lot of time with homeboy… I mean, I did love him. Well, Ashley was my bestfriend from 1st grade from back home… She moved away after 6th grade and well, after my dad passed away I ended up in the same town that she had moved it. It was great, we started hanging out again, but it was also bad too. I started getting in trouble, we started getting in trouble. So we quit hanging out, and we were 13 at this time. Well, I started dating my boy in September of 2010… He was perfect, amazing, and handsome. Of course I wanted to spend every chance I got with him! Who wouldn’t? Well, Ashley had gotten up with me that summer and we were trying to make plans to hang out when she got back. Well, we kept making plans and I kept putting them off because I was with my boy. Well, October 10, 2010, I was at his house and he was washing his car and while I was on his Facebook I had saw someone’s status that read: RIP Ashley Ha****s… you will be missed. Right away I had that sinking feeling in my gut, I asked homeboy if the kid went to school with him since Ashley went to the same school and his answer was yes. That night, right around my ex’s house Ashley was killed along with two of her other friends. They had all been drinking and so had the driver, they all got into the car that night and all three passengers were killed when the driver took a curve too fast. He lived. Now, what I want to get at is: yes, I loved my ex, I still do… but when we are in relationships don’t ignore the other people that you had in your life previous to them. Make time for your friends, you never know when it could be too late. I don’t regret spending all the time I could with my ex, I really don’t, but I could have also spent time with Ashley. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about everything. She was my bestfriend, she helped me a lot after my dad passed away, and we always grew up defending each other from bullies at school. She was my sister from another mister. I love her and miss her, and maybe if I would have been a better friend, things would have turned out differently. However, I do believe everything happens for a reason and they do make us think and appreciate things more. I do appreciate both relationships I had, but I really wish I would have been a better friend to AshBash. Remember: We have our relationships with our “significant other” and they’re all great and stuff… but we are individuals in our relationships too and we have our old friends that helped us where we got to today. So make time for them, you never know if it’s too late.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Ashley the blondie! ...and I'm in the bottom right corner. An old yearbook picture of us!

Salon talk.

Hmmm... good morning. I guess I may as well start getting use to this since I keep writing this so late/early! I'm sitting in my old bedroom watching the Olympics with my cousin Jeffrey. It's good bonding time and he's definitely keeping me positive. So, as the title sorta hints to this, I got my hair cut today. The lady that cuts my hair is so sweet, she's cut it for quite a few years now. She had asked how I had been doing and asked about the vacation I was supposed to be on. I told her about how my aunt and uncle were in Texas but how I flew back to be here for my friend/ex. We ended up talking the whole time about how my relationship had ended, what had happened, the people involved, and all that sweet juicy stuff. It was very good to talk to her, to get that stuff off my chest, to get another person's point of view. However, when I was talking to her about Zack I started tearing up. She apologized for asking about him, but I told her I was okay with it. It was life, and life works in weird ways. Of course though, with me talking about him and tearing up about him, my hair stylist started slightly tearing up as well. She told me that she could really tell how much I cared about him, that it showed through the way I talked about him. I loved hearing that, I always wonder if I sound bitter or something, because I'm not. I'm glad we had our relationship, I'm glad he was my bestfriend. I hate how it ended, I truly do, but I'd rather be friends than nothing at all. He's a sweetheart. Anyways, I told her everything and I didn't even have to tell her how I felt... she could gather that from the way I talked about him. I don't have much to say, but I will leave you with this. My hair stylist did tell me some very cliche but very true words of wisdom, she said: If he is meant to be  yours, then he will be... and if not, then be thankful that he didn't get in the way of what is supposed to be yours. How true and how wise, what a good way to look at a situation like this. Weather you are a guy or a girl, that is the perfect way to think about it. So, as I said, I'm leaving you with that.

Remember: If he/she is meant to be yours then he/she will be... if not, then be thankful that he/she didn't get in the way of what is truly meant to be yours.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My very handsome Valentine's Date for 2012... everyday with him was like Valentine's Day. <3

Death is Not the End.

Good morning everyone, now that it's almost 1 am here... Well, this Sunday the 5th was a tough day for many. As you guys are aware, my ex's father had passed away the morning of the 2nd. He was a great guy. There's so many ways I could describe him and my heart breaks for the family. The memorial service was absolutely beautiful. The songs were gorgeous, and the pastor did a phenomenal job he described Mr. D and talked about him so good. If you didn't know him and you attended the service, you would have left knowing him. Now, to describe the name of my Blog post today... Death is Not the End.  Well, while writing this last night I kinda fell asleep so I'm just going to finish it up now. Death is not the end, this may be sort of confusing for some people to grasp, but it's true. It's the story behind my 2nd tattoo. However, before charting these waters, I will give a little summary of my life. I probably will do this in different bits and pieces of blog posts I do but it will all connect one day, eventually. So, as a child I grew up with my dad and my mom. They never took me to church, ever. I think I ended up going once and that was just for an Easter Egg hunt and it wasn't even with my parents, it was with my dad's friend's girlfriend. Oh, and I went with my bestfriend Tory and her mom who passed away a few months after my dad did. Anyways, like I said, my parents never took me to church. I didn't know who or what God was, I just remember having kids ask me at school if I believed in God and I would say, "no." I use to get picked on and judged by the kids at school for this reason, but I didn't know who this "guy" was. Why do you believe in something that you have never learned about? Well, my mom was deported when I was 8. October of 2000. So, it was just my dad and I after that, father and daughter team, we were unstoppable. Well, turns out, even after he passed away on February 24, 2005 we are still unstoppable. I love him with all my heart, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't talk to him, I don't miss him, I don't tell him I love him, and that I don't tell him goodnight, sweet dreams, don't let the bed bugs bite. Not a day goes by that those things do not happen. It's been a hard 7 years, going on 8 years, but I'm 20 and strong. Yes, this does kill me at times but it's people like my family, and my bestfriend Mac, that help me through it. It was also Zack that helped me through my darkest times and darkest thoughts. Times when I wanted to give up everything, time's where I bargained to see my dad again, to dream about him, to hear his voice, to give up everything I had just to see him again. Even if it was only a dream. Zack helped me and stood by my side through all of those times in the year and a half that we officially dated. We still talked before and after the official dates, obvy. It sucks not having him here by my side anymore, my co pilot in life, he was amazing. He still is, and he knows that I am here for him during his time of need. His dad's memorial service was beautiful, and I'm honestly tearing up thinking about it. It's not fair that this happened to Zack, the guy that would do anything for the person he loved, it's not fair that this happened to him and his family. I don't know why it happened, I just know that God wanted his dad to come home. You see, after my dad passed away I lived with my friend for a few months up until DSS found out that I had family. Court hearings happened, and I was to move in with my aunt and uncle that surprisingly only lived an hour away. I had never knew that I had family, you see my dad lied to me about my life pretty much but this is a different story for a different day, but I never knew I had family and it was all a shock to me. I moved in with my aunt and uncle who happened to actually be committed Catholics and they go to church every weekend. Well, honestly, this helped me a lot. When I moved in with them I went to mass every weekend. The readings helped me, and eventually after some years I became more active in the church and started going up to get blessed. I finally decided during my Junior year to take the RCIA class to come into the church. It was the best decision of my life. Church, God, and my family will be with only things I know that will never leave me. Especially when I need them the most, they will always be there and I can always count on them.Thankfully for Zack and his family, they had each other and they already have God. I didn't have family or Him when I went through this, and I was also 12. Zack and his brother are 21 turning 22 on the 21st of this month, his sister is not even a year younger than me. She will be turning 20 in March, and she is the one most active in churches, in fact she just came back from a month long mission trip. I'm probably rambling, my ADD is definitely kicking in right now. Anyways, I just want to say that Zack was my rock and I will always be here for him if he needs someone to talk to, especially during this. Losing a parent is a different feeling for everyone, but it's still something we share and can help each other with. Also, I'm just so thankful that he has his family, his good friends, and most importantly he has God... and with all of those things he will be nothing but successful and strong. And I know how strong he is, after all, he did put up with me and my emotions for almost two years. Now that I seemed to have gotten off topic, I'll finish up my theory on how Death is Not the End. Death is NOT the END because it just isn't. Obviously there is eternal life, which most people believe, but right now I am talking about here on Earth. Death is never the end for someone unless you make it the end for them. Here's my example: my father passed away, none of my current friends know him, my family didn't know him for the last almost 30 years of his life, and Zack or my future husband didn't/won't know him, you guys don't know him and no one current will ever get to meet him. It sucks, it really does suck, but it's the truth. But I am left with the choice of telling my father's story. If I tell his story, then he lives in the hearts of the people I told his story to. Don't you agree? I mean, if you've come into contact with someone, especially someone close to you that has lost someone, and they tell you about that person. Don't you always remember the stories especially if that person brings them up again? I know it worked like that with Zack. I remember on the morning of October 10, 2010 a month and three days after we started dating we were outside of his house and he had just got done cleaning out his car and he was about to clean out my car and I was on his Facebook about to make a cute status for him and then I read some guy's status that read, "RIP Ashley Haskins you will be missed" and right away I had a hunch it was my old bestfriend from 1st grade but I wasn't sure. You see, her and I grew up and met in my hometown. In 6th grade she had moved up to here, and I was still back in our hometown. Then after my dad passed away I ended up moving 20 minutes away from her, in the same county just different school districts. Well, Zack did help me confirm that it was my Ashley... I broke down, but he was there to help me, to hug me, to hold me tight and tell me it was going to be all right. I told him some of the funny crazy times Ashley and I had growing up, and even to this day if I bring up her name, I'm sure he would remember some of those stories, just like he knew/knows some of the stories of my dad. It will be hard for him to forget, but Ashley and my dad are living right now in Zack's heart and memory. They will never ever completely die. They will always live forever, in the hearts of the people I tell their stories to. Isn't it a wonderful feeling? I mean knowing that the person you love is still living, not only in you but in the people you told their stories to? Death is not the end. How blessed are we to have actually had the chance to know these people? I know I am blessed that I actually got to know my father, my friends, and definitely Mr. D before they left this place. Zack's dad, my dad, our friends, everyone you and I know, everyone everywhere will always live. Forever and always, as long as we tell their stories. death is not the end.

My tattoo is the infinity symbol with life written in it. Remember my theory, death is not the end, everyone will live forever if you let them.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker