Anniversaries

Hey everyone, I know it's been forever. As always... but I miss my daddy. February 24, 2013 made it 8 years since the last day I saw him. Yes, it was an anniversary. Anniversaries like this seem like they would be depressing, and yes they are... but you can either choose to think about how the person is gone OR you can choose to celebrate the person's life. I remember he dropped me off for my 7th grade field trip that morning and gave me a hug and a kiss good-bye. I'm truly thankful I got to say good-bye to him that morning. I got my daily hug and kiss good-bye that morning. Little did I know that would be my last ones from my daddy. I miss him so much and I wish he was here. I would trade everything I have just to hear his voice or see him one last time. Hell, I would give anything to hear him even yell at me at this point! I miss my dad more than anything. After 8 years, you would think it would get easier... but it doesn't. It never does, nor will it ever... not for me. I feel like, if anything, it gets harder because now I feel like I'm starting to forget things. I may be forgetting things, but I will never forget February 24, 2005. I remember leaving him that day, walking into school all happy. We went to Medieval Times and I had a blast that day. I do remember it being a blah, rainy day... and on our way home we were told to call our parents to let them know we were getting close to town. Well, I called my dad's cellphone first, but he didn't answer. I called again, still no answer. I thought that was weird, so I called his work phone. Once again I had the same result, he didn't answer. Then I called the house phone... of course, no answer. My friend Blake asked to borrow my phone so he could call his parents. While he called them I remember a state of panic rushing over me. I remember thinking: what if my dad forgot me? what if he is tied up at work in a meeting? what if he took a nap or met up with someone? this isn't like him, why isn't he answering? ...I then got my phone back from Blake and called again. Starting with the cellphone, then the work phone, and the house phone. No answer. I even attempted calling my dad's boss, she didn't answer either. Maybe he did forget, or he is just already at the school. Finally we get to the school, I look in the front parking lot for his truck, but no luck. It was no where to be seen. As we pulled around back I quickly scanned the parking lot again for my dad's truck. His little Nissan was no where to be seen. I remember a rush/wave/tsunami of panic coming over me. I felt like I was suffocating in panic. I tried not to show it, but I didn't know where my daddy was. This wasn't like him at all, he never forgot me, ever. As soon as I got off the bus, my mission was to find my daddy. So I could tell him about my day and see him and hug/kiss him and go have dinner with him so I could come back for band practice. I never got the chance to do any of that. My assistant principle brought me aside and into the guidance counselor's room. All I remember thinking was: no, this isn't right. I need to find my dad. As soon as I got into the room I looked to the right. There was my bestfriend's mom sitting on a bench. Her eyes were red and puffy from where she had been crying. I was then told that during my dad's lunch hour he had left work to get lunch and was killed in a car accident. He was hit by an 18-wheeler who jack-knifed right into his truck. My father was killed instantly, and I thank God for that. Thank God my daddy didn't have to suffer, but I miss him so much. I wish he was hear to talk to me, to tell me he was proud of me. I wish I could give him another hug and kiss. I wish I could see him grow old. He would be turning 59 this year and I wish he was here to celebrate it. I love him so much, but I'm thankful I knew him. Most people don't even get blessed with the chance to know their fathers, but I knew mine and he may be gone but his memories I have of him will keep him alive. I love you daddy. 

We live and we learn

Hey guys!

So, I’ve had a pretty amazing week! I got into Nursing School and everything is just grand.  One thing I really wanted to address is something that happened 10 days ago. On the 10th of October it was the 2 year anniversary of my old childhood bestfriend’s passing away. Now, when we get in relationships we tend to spend most of our time with that person. I spent a lot of time with homeboy… I mean, I did love him. Well, Ashley was my bestfriend from 1st grade from back home… She moved away after 6th grade and well, after my dad passed away I ended up in the same town that she had moved it. It was great, we started hanging out again, but it was also bad too. I started getting in trouble, we started getting in trouble. So we quit hanging out, and we were 13 at this time. Well, I started dating my boy in September of 2010… He was perfect, amazing, and handsome. Of course I wanted to spend every chance I got with him! Who wouldn’t? Well, Ashley had gotten up with me that summer and we were trying to make plans to hang out when she got back. Well, we kept making plans and I kept putting them off because I was with my boy. Well, October 10, 2010, I was at his house and he was washing his car and while I was on his Facebook I had saw someone’s status that read: RIP Ashley Ha****s… you will be missed. Right away I had that sinking feeling in my gut, I asked homeboy if the kid went to school with him since Ashley went to the same school and his answer was yes. That night, right around my ex’s house Ashley was killed along with two of her other friends. They had all been drinking and so had the driver, they all got into the car that night and all three passengers were killed when the driver took a curve too fast. He lived. Now, what I want to get at is: yes, I loved my ex, I still do… but when we are in relationships don’t ignore the other people that you had in your life previous to them. Make time for your friends, you never know when it could be too late. I don’t regret spending all the time I could with my ex, I really don’t, but I could have also spent time with Ashley. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about everything. She was my bestfriend, she helped me a lot after my dad passed away, and we always grew up defending each other from bullies at school. She was my sister from another mister. I love her and miss her, and maybe if I would have been a better friend, things would have turned out differently. However, I do believe everything happens for a reason and they do make us think and appreciate things more. I do appreciate both relationships I had, but I really wish I would have been a better friend to AshBash. Remember: We have our relationships with our “significant other” and they’re all great and stuff… but we are individuals in our relationships too and we have our old friends that helped us where we got to today. So make time for them, you never know if it’s too late.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Ashley the blondie! ...and I'm in the bottom right corner. An old yearbook picture of us!

Regret.

Good evening everyone,

So, I just wanted to do a little blog on regret. It’s a sketchy topic for most people and it’s usually personal but I’m just going to state my opinion. A month ago today, I was driving home and wrecked my car. It was a bad accident, and should have been way worse. I don’t regret my decision to go home that day, if anything I’m glad I did. However, I did blog the previous night about my ex and how many times he had lied or something along those lines… and in a way writing that blog probably made it seem like I regretted dating him. Well, just to clear everything up I don’t. I don’t regret any of my choices that I have made through out my life. It’s weird… sometimes I look back and think, “What on Earth was I thinking… that was so dumb.” I’m sure we think that about something we’ve done in our past. But, the past is indeed the past. We cannot change what we did or how we did it. What’s done is done… and think about it; When you did it at the time, it was what you wanted, right? If you didn’t want to do it, then you wouldn’t have. That’s how I feel about it. I don’t regret anything, because at one point in my life it is exactly what I wanted. It might not have been later on. I don’t regret old friendships with people or past choices, at the time it was what I wanted. Yeah, now I look back and I see how some things didn’t work out and I get frustrated trying to convince myself it was stupid and I shouldn’t have done that or tried/worked at something, but it all comes down to the fact that at that very moment in time, it was exactly what I wanted. So, the next time you try to say you regret something, think about it. Do you really regret it? Or are you just in denial about it? Live life without regrets. Learn from past mistakes and move on, don’t let them get the best of you. You control your life.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

(left to right) Me, Kayla, and Samantha. These were my two bestfriends/roommates last year but that didn’t go over so well. I don’t regret the relationships we had… instead I learned from them and moved on.

Another chance.

Hi everyone! So, today has been eventful. I just want to say that I am thankful to be alive. On my way home today I totaled my pretty little car. The cop even said that it was amazing that I survived. I looked at him and replied, "Well, God just doesn't want me quite yet." I believe that what ever purpose He has for me, I have yet to fulfill. Which is fabulous because I love life too much, especially right now. I'll just let you guys in on what happened. I was driving home today from college. I decided to leave my cat at home, which I never do... Well, on my way home a dog started walking out in the road. I thought for sure he wasn't going to walk in my way. I was going 60 in the 55. Well, he decided to keep walking and his head was right at the orange double line. So, I decided if I swerved just enough I'd be okay and so would he. Well, I ended up going into the grass on the right side and missed him. Then, I pulled onto the road again but a tad bit too fast. I lost control of my car... I started spinning and hit an approx 5ft ditch head on. Upon impact my car flew into the air, flipped, and landed upside down on top of a tree. It was scary, but what was even scarier was what happened inside and the events leading up to it. Just before I wrecked I was on the phone, no. Not texting as you probably assume... I heard a weather warning on the radio and called my roommate to tell him if the weather gets bad to stay with his friends at their apartment and not to worry about going home because I gave Kenz (our cat) plenty of food And water so she would be okay. I hung up and set down my phone, and as I did that I saw that dog. Also, before this I had had been driving with my windows down and my sunroof open but it started raining so I had to close them. I tried opening them back up after the rain stopped but water still kept coming in my car so I closed it back up, again. Well when I lost control I was desperately trying to slow down and gain control of my car again. I realized I couldn't and as I hit the ditch and started flipping I grabbed my steering wheel. Praying that holding onto it would save me but instead my chest slammed into it and I somehow got flung into the back of my car. I landed on my back when this horrible ride came to a stop. It was the worst roller coaster ride ever. Just plain awful. Well web I flew around my car I jammed my middle finger trying to land, grab, brace my fall or whatever I was doing. Oh, and why did I fly out of my seat? I have no idea. I had my seatbelt on an I have bruises to prove it. The EMT believes since I lean my seat back a little I slide out of it. It makes sense but I still have no idea. I just know I'm alive and thankful that I am. I'm also thankful no one else was around to get injured. Well, I did land in the back of my car and I was confused at where I was. I finally realized I was there and crawled to my drivers side an started honking the horn praying someone could hear me. I didn't know where I had landed or what happened. I couldn't get out of my door but I did realize my car was still on. I was about to attempt to break a window to get out but when I realized my car was still alive I started pressing buttons. Finally figured out how to get my passenger side window down and I crawled out of my car from there. No one was around at the time but I ran to the road and a small silver car was just about to pass and I flagged then down. As I did I fell. I guess I fell from being so shook up but I fell. They turned around an people started stopping. All I was concerned about was calling my aunt and uncle to tell them I was I an accident but okay. Finally the ambulance came and rushed me to the ER. I am so thankful to be alive. I checked out okay. They took X-rays and did exams but I am okay. I'm alive! I made it out with a jammed middle finger and a bruised body. I am alive and I have been blessed! My daddy and God were definitely looking out for me today and I am so entirely thankful. I love my life and this second chance I have been given. I don't know how I am still alive but I just know that I am. Goodnight everyone.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker