Regret.

Good evening everyone,

So, I just wanted to do a little blog on regret. It’s a sketchy topic for most people and it’s usually personal but I’m just going to state my opinion. A month ago today, I was driving home and wrecked my car. It was a bad accident, and should have been way worse. I don’t regret my decision to go home that day, if anything I’m glad I did. However, I did blog the previous night about my ex and how many times he had lied or something along those lines… and in a way writing that blog probably made it seem like I regretted dating him. Well, just to clear everything up I don’t. I don’t regret any of my choices that I have made through out my life. It’s weird… sometimes I look back and think, “What on Earth was I thinking… that was so dumb.” I’m sure we think that about something we’ve done in our past. But, the past is indeed the past. We cannot change what we did or how we did it. What’s done is done… and think about it; When you did it at the time, it was what you wanted, right? If you didn’t want to do it, then you wouldn’t have. That’s how I feel about it. I don’t regret anything, because at one point in my life it is exactly what I wanted. It might not have been later on. I don’t regret old friendships with people or past choices, at the time it was what I wanted. Yeah, now I look back and I see how some things didn’t work out and I get frustrated trying to convince myself it was stupid and I shouldn’t have done that or tried/worked at something, but it all comes down to the fact that at that very moment in time, it was exactly what I wanted. So, the next time you try to say you regret something, think about it. Do you really regret it? Or are you just in denial about it? Live life without regrets. Learn from past mistakes and move on, don’t let them get the best of you. You control your life.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

(left to right) Me, Kayla, and Samantha. These were my two bestfriends/roommates last year but that didn’t go over so well. I don’t regret the relationships we had… instead I learned from them and moved on.

The simple things in life.

Hi guys!

Well, I decided to write since I’m relaxing after being sick this past day. I’m watching the NY Giants v. Philadelphia Eagles game with my roommate. We went to the East Carolina University v. UTEP game last night which was fun! …Until they evacuated the stadium due to the weather that was approaching. Anyways… onto my blog. I am a firm believer that the simple things in life are what matter the most. Don’t get me wrong, I do like fancy things and I can be very fancy… but especially since my accident I have definitely come to appreciate simple things a lot more than I previously did. So, clearly since the break up my life was “oh so sad” but now I’m as happy as can be. I hung out with a guy from work twice last weekend after seeing my beautiful niece. Last weekend was great! This week was crazy/hectic but it was great too. I love my life, and the people in it. I honestly shouldn’t complain about my life, but I do. But I just wanted to take tonight to appreciate the little things. I love being able to go home when I want since I only live an hour away. I appreciate being able to go to school to get an education to hopefully become a nurse in whatever field I want. I appreciate my relationship with God and my family who helped guide me to Him. I appreciate the simple joy of longboarding. I appreciate living an hour from the beach. I appreciate having two jobs! I appreciate tye-dye. I appreciate movies, walks, exercising, and food. I appreciate art, and being able to somewhat draw. I appreciate my new whip, which happens to be a 1992 Jeep Wrangler… yes, I know it’s my age but it’s cute and it will get me through the next couple of years! I appreciate my exes, because they helped me grow to become the strong independent girl I am today and they helped me see how I should not be treated and how I should be treated. I appreciate old friends and old friendships I had that were great at once but then something happened and the true friends came out in my time of need when others stayed back. I appreciate my Kensie cat…she’s so silly but I love her to death. I appreciate simple dates. Going out for pizza or hamburgers… or staying in watching movies, playing video games and ordering pizza. I appreciate the little compliments I get about being “family oriented” or when people tell me how pretty I am. I appreciate a lot of those things. Now, don’t get me wrong… I do like simple things but I do like big surprises too.  I appreciate my aunt and uncle for everything. Without them I would not be who I am today, after my dad passed away and I had no place to live they took me into their home without hesitation and I could not be more thankful for that. They’re the best mom and dad anyone could ever have and I seriously would not be here today if it was not for them. I love them so much and I don’t know what I would do without them. Most of all, I appreciate my life. Simple as that… I am so thankful to be alive and I love it. I have been through some pretty crappy times but I know that life does get better. So, thank you God for all that you have given me. I’m unworthy but I am so thankful.

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Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

S[he] be[lie]ve[s].

Hi everyone! So, once again I have neglected my Blog. Things have been going iffy. Between working at home, not talking to Zack anymore, finding out more things that he lied about, school starting back again, cleaning my house, starting my new job at school, taking care of my cat, and making sure I definitely have time for mass and my family… you can say I’ve been pretty busy. Well, the school I go to is awesome and we won our opening football game of the season 35-13. Pretty awesome, huh? I don’t have much to say… I don’t really know how I feel lately. You ever feel like that? I don’t know how I feel right now… like if I’m happy, mad, sad, tired, disappointed, confused, guilty, hurt, or maybe all of the above. Zack lied. That’s for sure. That’s all I know is that he lied, and he kept lying to me when we were supposed to try to be friends but everything even then was a complete lie. It’s like all he did was breath, eat, sleep and lie to me. I don’t know what else to say about it, that’s all there is to it. He lied. He freaking lied to me and I was stupid enough to keep believing him even after all the other lies he had told me during our relationship. I’m hurt. I don’t understand how you can sit there and tell someone you love them and lie to them the whole time. It doesn’t work that way. Did you guys hear Taylor Swift’s new song? That’s exactly what it is. Him and I would never ever get back together, ever. I would have to be a complete idiot to go back to something like that. Something that seemed so true that turned out to be a complete lie. I just hope when he finds his next “girlfriend” that he is 110% completely honest with her. I would feel so bad for her if he lies to her like he did me. I think he did it with his best intentions, but a lie is a lie. Just like a cat is a cat. You can’t change that. He freaking lied to me. I’m mad, I’m everything and it doesn’t even matter. Oh well. God will take care of me. He will send me someone who won’t lie and will love me for who I am and for all my flaws. I believe in Him and what He is doing for me. I’m exhausted, and I promise to at least write once a week now. Hopefully twice if I’m not busy during work. Goodnight everyone! Sorry for the rant, but it was needed.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

You told me yes, you held me high... and I believed when you told that lie.

The interesting day of a cat’s life…

Hi guys! So, Zack picked out the title of this one today. We have been texting and well he helped me come up with this. More like I just asked him what I should write about and that is what he sent back. At first I was thinking “Eh, no. That’s silly…” but then I thought about it a little longer and it hit me! When I went to mass today the Deacon said the homily and it started out with him talking about taking care of the Priest’s cats while he was on his Mission Trip. Agnes and Lucy are their names. He said that everyday he went to take care of them he realized how much they depended on him. They would just wait for someone to come through that door and take care of them, everyday. They never knew what would happen that day, they didn’t know if someone would show up or if someone wouldn’t, they just had Faith that someone would. We should do this ourselves. Cats, dogs, babies, or anything dependent on someone… they have the most faith. They have faith that they will get fed and that they will get taken care of. They fully rely on us (well, the indoor pets), they fully rely on us to take care of them. Babies cannot take care of themselves, they too also fully rely on us. These creatures have Faith. They have confidence in us, that we will pull through for them. They trust us to take care of them. They display the true definition of having Faith. I don’t know about you guys, but I believe in God. I believe that He knows what is best for me and my future. I believe He has everything under control, and I believe I am following the path that He has made for me and wants me to follow. I have Faith in Him. I have confidence in God and what He is doing with my life… and yeah. I might think my life has been a little on the rough side, but I trust Him and the choices He made for my life. I have faith in Him. Well, it’s time for me to rest. It’s 1:49 in the morning, Zack and I are in deep conversation which may or may not be good, and I want to figure out what I’m doing Monday for my dad’s birthday. Can you believe he would have been 58 this year? I wish he was physically here with me to celebrate. Apparently he had loved Pineapple upside down cake so maybe I’ll make that after I go to mass. Goodnight everyone. Hug and kiss the people you love, and tell them you love them while they’re here. You never know when you may not see them again.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

...and yes. I did keep the heart by his name even though we've been broken up for a while.

My purpose:

Well, this post is early in the day! I’m at home, no one is here, and it’s too late and cloudy to sit by the pool now, so I decided to write. It’s been a week since Zack’s daddy passed away. I think that was one of the harder “milestones” of knowing that my dad wasn’t coming back. He had never left me for a week unless he went to Quanico, VA or something for TDY. So, I’m definitely thinking about Zack today and praying for him… I know it’s hard but I know he’s staying busy to keep his mind away from reality. I did the same, and I think we all do going through something like this. There’s nothing like it. Anyways, I talked to Zack last night. He met me outside of the mall and we just sat and talked. It was really nice, and like old times. Minus the affection… of course. All I’m going to say about it is that I loved talking to him, as a friend. It was so nice to have that friend again. But, I did think it was cute when we hugged good-bye. We had that “almost” the same tight embrace, the secure one that made everything better. I had my head rested on his chest and he had asked me if I was listening for his heart and then I noticed his heart beat was nice and slow and replied, “Well, I wasn’t at first but now I am…” and we had made direct eye contact in this. Well, I put my head back to avoid all the rush of the feelings coming back because, well, you know how movies are. The exes make eye contact and everything rushes back. Anyways, I put my head back on his chest to listen to his heart and I then had realized that his heart was beginning to race. My heart does that everytime I see him, especially the first day I saw him… my heart just races. It’s so cute, and I thought that was really cute that I noticed his heart did the same. But, we are just friends and of course there are “no feelings”…. pshh. Hahaha, now… To the reason of my blog. It’s called My purpose. This morning when I woke up, thinking about Zack, for some reason I was in that deep thinking. Weird, but whatevs. Anyways, I started thinking and praying and I thought: Maybe my purpose or the purpose of my relationship with Zack was to prepare him for what happened on August 2nd. I mean, he did deal with me and my emotions and he knew all of my feelings about my dad and his death. Zack took care of me and helped me deal with them, so in a sense it gave him a background on the subject. So, I don’t know, I could be very wrong, but I do feel that my purpose was to help him. We didn’t know that this would happen, but I feel that God did put me in His life for a certain reason and maybe that was the reason. Who knows, I don’t, no one down here does. Only God knows. What do you think?

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My daddy and I at the beach when I was a kid, and yes. That is a leash.