We live and we learn

Hey guys!

So, I’ve had a pretty amazing week! I got into Nursing School and everything is just grand.  One thing I really wanted to address is something that happened 10 days ago. On the 10th of October it was the 2 year anniversary of my old childhood bestfriend’s passing away. Now, when we get in relationships we tend to spend most of our time with that person. I spent a lot of time with homeboy… I mean, I did love him. Well, Ashley was my bestfriend from 1st grade from back home… She moved away after 6th grade and well, after my dad passed away I ended up in the same town that she had moved it. It was great, we started hanging out again, but it was also bad too. I started getting in trouble, we started getting in trouble. So we quit hanging out, and we were 13 at this time. Well, I started dating my boy in September of 2010… He was perfect, amazing, and handsome. Of course I wanted to spend every chance I got with him! Who wouldn’t? Well, Ashley had gotten up with me that summer and we were trying to make plans to hang out when she got back. Well, we kept making plans and I kept putting them off because I was with my boy. Well, October 10, 2010, I was at his house and he was washing his car and while I was on his Facebook I had saw someone’s status that read: RIP Ashley Ha****s… you will be missed. Right away I had that sinking feeling in my gut, I asked homeboy if the kid went to school with him since Ashley went to the same school and his answer was yes. That night, right around my ex’s house Ashley was killed along with two of her other friends. They had all been drinking and so had the driver, they all got into the car that night and all three passengers were killed when the driver took a curve too fast. He lived. Now, what I want to get at is: yes, I loved my ex, I still do… but when we are in relationships don’t ignore the other people that you had in your life previous to them. Make time for your friends, you never know when it could be too late. I don’t regret spending all the time I could with my ex, I really don’t, but I could have also spent time with Ashley. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about everything. She was my bestfriend, she helped me a lot after my dad passed away, and we always grew up defending each other from bullies at school. She was my sister from another mister. I love her and miss her, and maybe if I would have been a better friend, things would have turned out differently. However, I do believe everything happens for a reason and they do make us think and appreciate things more. I do appreciate both relationships I had, but I really wish I would have been a better friend to AshBash. Remember: We have our relationships with our “significant other” and they’re all great and stuff… but we are individuals in our relationships too and we have our old friends that helped us where we got to today. So make time for them, you never know if it’s too late.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Ashley the blondie! ...and I'm in the bottom right corner. An old yearbook picture of us!

Regret.

Good evening everyone,

So, I just wanted to do a little blog on regret. It’s a sketchy topic for most people and it’s usually personal but I’m just going to state my opinion. A month ago today, I was driving home and wrecked my car. It was a bad accident, and should have been way worse. I don’t regret my decision to go home that day, if anything I’m glad I did. However, I did blog the previous night about my ex and how many times he had lied or something along those lines… and in a way writing that blog probably made it seem like I regretted dating him. Well, just to clear everything up I don’t. I don’t regret any of my choices that I have made through out my life. It’s weird… sometimes I look back and think, “What on Earth was I thinking… that was so dumb.” I’m sure we think that about something we’ve done in our past. But, the past is indeed the past. We cannot change what we did or how we did it. What’s done is done… and think about it; When you did it at the time, it was what you wanted, right? If you didn’t want to do it, then you wouldn’t have. That’s how I feel about it. I don’t regret anything, because at one point in my life it is exactly what I wanted. It might not have been later on. I don’t regret old friendships with people or past choices, at the time it was what I wanted. Yeah, now I look back and I see how some things didn’t work out and I get frustrated trying to convince myself it was stupid and I shouldn’t have done that or tried/worked at something, but it all comes down to the fact that at that very moment in time, it was exactly what I wanted. So, the next time you try to say you regret something, think about it. Do you really regret it? Or are you just in denial about it? Live life without regrets. Learn from past mistakes and move on, don’t let them get the best of you. You control your life.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

(left to right) Me, Kayla, and Samantha. These were my two bestfriends/roommates last year but that didn’t go over so well. I don’t regret the relationships we had… instead I learned from them and moved on.

Life is stressful, yet beautiful.

Hi everyone!

Per norm, I’m apologizing for not being on here like I use to be. I really need to make a set schedule and follow through with it on things that I am going to do/want to do/need to do. I was just thinking back to my post on the 1st of this month. I can’t help but think that, that would have been a horrible last final note to leave the world if I would have died the next day when I wrecked. I’m not sure if anyone from my hometown really knows about my Blog except for a couple of people… but I know I want it to be fully known if anything does happen to me. I would have hated to leave on a “bitter” note. Honestly, I am so happy now. Yes, I get lonely and yes, I am super stressed but I am thankful I am still here and still able to feel all these emotions! Not sure what I want to talk about tonight. For starters, I have been so busy and completely stressed. I have had 4 Psychology exams in the past week, FOUR. It’s been crazy! On top of that I have been trying to work out, I’ve been working about 8-10 hours a week, dealing with the insurance about my car, trying to car shop, and everything. This past weekend, my grandma and aunt flew from El Paso, Texas to visit for my uncle’s surprise 60th birthday party and boy was he surprised! It was great seeing all my family, and having everyone come out. I am so blessed to be a part of such a huge loving family… and speaking of HUGE. My cousin, who is basically my sister, Chica, is having her baby bright and early in the morning! I’m so excited for my Goddaughter/niece/cousin to make her grand entrance to the world. I am so in love with life right now and all these blessings that I have been given. Also, I have been okay about Zack. I’m sure if I saw him maybe I would feel different, but as of now I am free.  Happy and free. I’m going to Sweden in December to see my mom and her family! I reapplied for Nursing school again, and they send out letters on the 15th of October so we will see how that goes! I’m so happy with my relationships with my family right now, they were close before my wreck and now they are even closer. I love it, and I love them. They’re all so great and supportive. Also, another bit of good news… I’m hanging out with a friend from work tomorrow night. It’ll be good to get to know someone new and to hang out. I’m pretty excited about all of this. Anyways, I decided I’m going to skip class tomorrow and drive to Raleigh to see my cousin and my Goddaughter! (They haven’t picked out a solid name yet, they have ideas but not a definite choice yet… hence me not saying her name) Goodnight everyone, hopefully I will Blog after I get home tomorrow. Just remember, God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Life may be so stressful at times, but think positive… Life is beautiful!

Goodnight everyone,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Kenzie and I sitting at the table... I swear she loves me.

S[he] be[lie]ve[s].

Hi everyone! So, once again I have neglected my Blog. Things have been going iffy. Between working at home, not talking to Zack anymore, finding out more things that he lied about, school starting back again, cleaning my house, starting my new job at school, taking care of my cat, and making sure I definitely have time for mass and my family… you can say I’ve been pretty busy. Well, the school I go to is awesome and we won our opening football game of the season 35-13. Pretty awesome, huh? I don’t have much to say… I don’t really know how I feel lately. You ever feel like that? I don’t know how I feel right now… like if I’m happy, mad, sad, tired, disappointed, confused, guilty, hurt, or maybe all of the above. Zack lied. That’s for sure. That’s all I know is that he lied, and he kept lying to me when we were supposed to try to be friends but everything even then was a complete lie. It’s like all he did was breath, eat, sleep and lie to me. I don’t know what else to say about it, that’s all there is to it. He lied. He freaking lied to me and I was stupid enough to keep believing him even after all the other lies he had told me during our relationship. I’m hurt. I don’t understand how you can sit there and tell someone you love them and lie to them the whole time. It doesn’t work that way. Did you guys hear Taylor Swift’s new song? That’s exactly what it is. Him and I would never ever get back together, ever. I would have to be a complete idiot to go back to something like that. Something that seemed so true that turned out to be a complete lie. I just hope when he finds his next “girlfriend” that he is 110% completely honest with her. I would feel so bad for her if he lies to her like he did me. I think he did it with his best intentions, but a lie is a lie. Just like a cat is a cat. You can’t change that. He freaking lied to me. I’m mad, I’m everything and it doesn’t even matter. Oh well. God will take care of me. He will send me someone who won’t lie and will love me for who I am and for all my flaws. I believe in Him and what He is doing for me. I’m exhausted, and I promise to at least write once a week now. Hopefully twice if I’m not busy during work. Goodnight everyone! Sorry for the rant, but it was needed.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

You told me yes, you held me high... and I believed when you told that lie.

Life as we know it.

Hey guys! So, I didn’t write yesterday… I had a nice relaxing day/night with my cousin Jeffrey. We went to see campaign, had dinner at Popeyes, came home watched movies and stayed up talking until 4 am. Anyways, today’s post will be short and sweet. It’s going to be about my dad since today was his birthday. He passed away while I was at a field trip in the 7th grade. The date was February 24, 2005… it was a rough day and it still is. Death isn’t an easy thing to grasp, especially if it;s someone you depend on for everything. I was 12 turning 13 when he passed away. He was 50 turning 51. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. I think about him all the time, I miss him so much. Sometimes, I wonder why he did lie to me about my life. I mean, I heard stories of possibly why he did, but I would love to be able to ask him. To get his side of the story instead of just assuming. I know he’s gone, so I know I will never get any of my questions answered and it sucks. That’s why honesty in a relationship is something I truly care about. I want my boyfriend to be 110% honest with me and be okay with it. Obviously Zack couldn’t cut it. The pressure was too much for him but I’m glad I found that out almost 2 years later rather than down the long road. I miss my dad, and yes I am upset about a lot of things. But I love him, I know he did everything with his best intentions (Zack often reminded me of that)… I just wish he was here to ask him more. I pray he had a great 58th birthday in Heaven. I don’t know if you guys have faced someone passing away, I’m sure you have, but I’m not sure you’ve also experienced someone in your immediate family passing away. It’s extremely difficult. Especially for a 12 year old who only had one parent and that was it. My world was crushed and completely changed. Anyways, death is hard. It’s clearly never easy. Especially if it is sudden and there were no signs of it happening. My dad’s death was sudden. We said our goodbyes in the morning when he dropped me off for my field trip and when I came back he wasn’t there. I never imagined this happening to me, no one does. He was gone. I just found his death certificate a couple of weeks ago actually. See, when my dad passed away they had advised me not to see him. I chose not to see his truck. My making those choices have greatly impacted my life though. I never fully knew what happened, I never fully will. But, I found his death certificate the other day and some online articles. I found out the name and age of the man who killed my father. He was exceeding a safe speed and charged with something else. He was driving a flatbed truck that had jack knifed and killed my father. My dad was supposedly on his way back to work after going home for lunch. His time of death was 1:12 pm… I was still watching the Medieval Times show when it happened. I was having a good time with friends. I didn’t know what happened, and knowing that I was having fun while he was suffering is awful. I read his death certificate and read the cause of his death. It was serious head trauma. I don’t know how long he suffered, or if he suffered at all, but I can only pray that it wasn’t bad. I pray that he didn’t suffer and I pray that he left this world with no pain at all. I miss him so much and I just pray for him all the time. It’s been hard not having him here. Knowing that he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle when I get married, he wasn’t here to see me graduate from high school, he won’t be here to see me graduate from college, he won’t be here to meet my grandkids, my family, my new friends, my next boyfriend. He won’t physically be here, but he will forever be in my heart and that is how he will live on. Remember, never leave someone angry and tell them you love them. Tomorrow is not promised and your life as you know it can change in the blink of an eye. Mine did.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My daddy and I back in 1993 while we were visiting my mom’s family in Sweden.

My daddy, me, and my mom.

My tattoo: Death is not the end and life is forever.

My dad and I at my friend’s mom’s wedding… this is one of the last pictures we have together.

My dad and I after I won 1st place in a horse riding competition when I was like 6 or 7.

& my daddy trying to calm me down, haha. I miss that man. <3 we were so cute.

The interesting day of a cat’s life…

Hi guys! So, Zack picked out the title of this one today. We have been texting and well he helped me come up with this. More like I just asked him what I should write about and that is what he sent back. At first I was thinking “Eh, no. That’s silly…” but then I thought about it a little longer and it hit me! When I went to mass today the Deacon said the homily and it started out with him talking about taking care of the Priest’s cats while he was on his Mission Trip. Agnes and Lucy are their names. He said that everyday he went to take care of them he realized how much they depended on him. They would just wait for someone to come through that door and take care of them, everyday. They never knew what would happen that day, they didn’t know if someone would show up or if someone wouldn’t, they just had Faith that someone would. We should do this ourselves. Cats, dogs, babies, or anything dependent on someone… they have the most faith. They have faith that they will get fed and that they will get taken care of. They fully rely on us (well, the indoor pets), they fully rely on us to take care of them. Babies cannot take care of themselves, they too also fully rely on us. These creatures have Faith. They have confidence in us, that we will pull through for them. They trust us to take care of them. They display the true definition of having Faith. I don’t know about you guys, but I believe in God. I believe that He knows what is best for me and my future. I believe He has everything under control, and I believe I am following the path that He has made for me and wants me to follow. I have Faith in Him. I have confidence in God and what He is doing with my life… and yeah. I might think my life has been a little on the rough side, but I trust Him and the choices He made for my life. I have faith in Him. Well, it’s time for me to rest. It’s 1:49 in the morning, Zack and I are in deep conversation which may or may not be good, and I want to figure out what I’m doing Monday for my dad’s birthday. Can you believe he would have been 58 this year? I wish he was physically here with me to celebrate. Apparently he had loved Pineapple upside down cake so maybe I’ll make that after I go to mass. Goodnight everyone. Hug and kiss the people you love, and tell them you love them while they’re here. You never know when you may not see them again.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

...and yes. I did keep the heart by his name even though we've been broken up for a while.

Not Like The Movies

Heyy everyone! Good morning.  So, I just wrote a huge post, but I didn’t like it so I deleted it. I just wanted to talk about the name of my Blog today. First though, I just want to say I had a very fabulous day. I drove up to Raleigh to hang out with my cousin, who is pretty much my sister, and her daughter. It was a great day, and it ended even better because I got to talk to Zack a little. Not much, but a little, and after what I realized yesterday or well, thought about yesterday (My purpose: blog post), it made talking to Zack a lot easier. So overall today was great, fantastic, amazing, happy, and fabulous. All of the above… Okay. So the name of my Blog is “Not Like The Movies” if you listen to Katy Perry or saw her movie, then you probably have heard this song. The last day Zack and I had talked, he told me he was tired of fighting. I was too but that’s what he said. He just didn’t want to fight anymore and I can’t blame him. I was tired of it, but I just did it. At first it was because of little lies he told, I just wanted him to know that I would much prefer the truth all up front rather than little lies and me finding out the truth eventually. I think everyone deserves that, and he knew how I felt about lying. My dad lied to me about the most important things in my life, so anytime Zack lied about something little it freaked me out. More so because they say when you start out lying it may be little things, but then that can snow ball and the thought of that freaked me out. However; I kept working with him. I never gave up and I knew we could work through it. Anyways, there is one line in that song that made me think of what he had said and it goes as follows: If it’s not like the movies, that’s how it should be. Now… I’m not talking about the whole song, just that one line. A lot of movies use to portray relationships and such as “perfect” happy tails with “perfect” happy endings and such. Well, I’m sorry but I don’t believe in “perfect” relationships. I don’t believe in relationships that are all just happy faces and no fighting. I believe in relationships that are real. That have their ups and downs. That have the arguments and making up. That have their I’m mad at you but of course I still love you moments. I don’t know, maybe I’m just boring or I have a weird view on relationships but that’s what I believe. Time for me to go to bed so I can get up early and work at Aeropostale tomorrow! Let me know what you guys think.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My "niece" and I goofing around at the mall today! :)

My purpose:

Well, this post is early in the day! I’m at home, no one is here, and it’s too late and cloudy to sit by the pool now, so I decided to write. It’s been a week since Zack’s daddy passed away. I think that was one of the harder “milestones” of knowing that my dad wasn’t coming back. He had never left me for a week unless he went to Quanico, VA or something for TDY. So, I’m definitely thinking about Zack today and praying for him… I know it’s hard but I know he’s staying busy to keep his mind away from reality. I did the same, and I think we all do going through something like this. There’s nothing like it. Anyways, I talked to Zack last night. He met me outside of the mall and we just sat and talked. It was really nice, and like old times. Minus the affection… of course. All I’m going to say about it is that I loved talking to him, as a friend. It was so nice to have that friend again. But, I did think it was cute when we hugged good-bye. We had that “almost” the same tight embrace, the secure one that made everything better. I had my head rested on his chest and he had asked me if I was listening for his heart and then I noticed his heart beat was nice and slow and replied, “Well, I wasn’t at first but now I am…” and we had made direct eye contact in this. Well, I put my head back to avoid all the rush of the feelings coming back because, well, you know how movies are. The exes make eye contact and everything rushes back. Anyways, I put my head back on his chest to listen to his heart and I then had realized that his heart was beginning to race. My heart does that everytime I see him, especially the first day I saw him… my heart just races. It’s so cute, and I thought that was really cute that I noticed his heart did the same. But, we are just friends and of course there are “no feelings”…. pshh. Hahaha, now… To the reason of my blog. It’s called My purpose. This morning when I woke up, thinking about Zack, for some reason I was in that deep thinking. Weird, but whatevs. Anyways, I started thinking and praying and I thought: Maybe my purpose or the purpose of my relationship with Zack was to prepare him for what happened on August 2nd. I mean, he did deal with me and my emotions and he knew all of my feelings about my dad and his death. Zack took care of me and helped me deal with them, so in a sense it gave him a background on the subject. So, I don’t know, I could be very wrong, but I do feel that my purpose was to help him. We didn’t know that this would happen, but I feel that God did put me in His life for a certain reason and maybe that was the reason. Who knows, I don’t, no one down here does. Only God knows. What do you think?

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My daddy and I at the beach when I was a kid, and yes. That is a leash.