Mental illness.

So, by now you may or may not know that I'm in a BSN program if you don't know that then you at least know I slack at writing posts (I blame it on school). ;) 

Anyways, mental health is a class that I'm in and we get to go to different psychiatric sites! At the beginning of this semester I was 101% sure I wanted to be an Emergency Department nurse BUT of course my mind has change yet again. At this point I am almost certain that I want to be a psychiatric nurse, and this thought keeps getting confirmed every week I'm in the hospital with these patients. Honestly, I feel like God keeps directing me towards certain patients in my setting right now. I only say this because the past few times in class I have been getting "rejected" by my choice patient (we get to pick who we would like to work with for the day), and because I get "rejected" by the patient I have to search for someone that doesn't mind working with a student. God does wonders because for some reason I have clicked and had those "ahh" moments with the other patients I get to work with. It's been amazing. Sometimes I can relate to a patient and other times I feel like I help bring them back to reality of how things would be. I don't know if that makes sense, but I'll elaborate in another blog post later. I want to get today's message off my chest and out to the world. Not sure if anyone will read it, share it or find it helpful but at least I've tried!

Soooo... To the meat of my post. Today I had someone ask me: "So Clair, why do you even want to work with crazy people?"

My reply was something along these lines, I said to him:

Well, for starters I don't look at these patients as "crazy people" ...I look at them for who they are. They are human beings. Yeah, certain things have happened to them whether it's genetics or whatever but they're patients that need help just like any other patient. 

He then asked if I thought he was crazy to which I replied:

No, I don't. I think certain things happen to us in life and they are just like hiccups. A hiccup happens and then it's over with. We continue to go about our life and it didn't disable us. Just like this situation. 

---

Now, this is just my further thoughts on this. Yes, having a mental illness may or may not be disabling. Sometimes it's not a hiccup, and sometimes it is. I'm not saying that as a hiccup it happens and then we go about our lives like it never happened, no. That's not how it is and you know it. Hiccups happen and sometimes we search for water to help calm them. They can last a very short amount of time or they can last quite a while. But we hiccup and we remember and know that we have hiccuped. Certain episodes cause patients to be placed in the hospital and the ones that I've seen are hiccups. They happen and a patient can continue on with their life. There's hope. Mental illnesses aren't a joke but they shouldn't define who you are if you have one. 

Who am I to judge someone for being on a psych unit? Who am I to judge someone for having a mental illness? Who are we to judge? People with mental illnesses are human beings. Don't let their illness cause you to define who they are because of it. Or if you have a mental illness don't let it define you. 

I don't know, maybe I'm weird. But I'm very passionate about mental health and these patients. Maybe this isn't where God wants me to be or maybe it is, I'll figure it out soon enough. 

Goodnight y'all,

ckp

Everybody has their own battles within.

I definitely have slacked on blogging. I'll admit it, I'm horrible at this. Anyways, recently in the town that I'm from a teen couple commuted suicide. Kids around here are referring to them as "The Romeo & Juliet of (town name here)". What bugs me is why would they do this? They have a long life ahead of them. What happened? Could this have been prevented? Were there any warning signs? What could have been done differently to help them. We can't say, "oh well, it's too late now." It's never too late. There are others to save... Other voices that are silent yet yearning to be heard. I've been in dark places too. I wanted to be heard but something kept me alive and going. We all have battles and demons that we are constantly fighting within. However, some of us need help and we don't know how to ask for it. 

I think what I'm eventually trying to get at is that we should simply be nice. I'm guilty of this too. I'm not always nice and I need to be. When we are having a bad day we want others to be nice to us, to listen to us. We don't want people or other things piling onto our stressors if our day is already spoiled. Suicide is a big problem everywhere. Most of the time it is because no one acknowledged that person. 

Here's my challenge to you: when you're driving around try waving at someone, anyone. You'll make their day even if you don't know them... And who knows, you might save a life. 

If you, or anyone you know are thinking about suicide... Or you see something that is a red flag here is the website for help: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org 

Remember:

You're beautiful and you mean something to someone. Use your words for kindness and think twice about being negative towards someone. You never know what battles or demons they're facing. Treat others the way you wish to be treated. 

Peace and blessings y'all. 

ckp

Anniversaries

Hey everyone, I know it's been forever. As always... but I miss my daddy. February 24, 2013 made it 8 years since the last day I saw him. Yes, it was an anniversary. Anniversaries like this seem like they would be depressing, and yes they are... but you can either choose to think about how the person is gone OR you can choose to celebrate the person's life. I remember he dropped me off for my 7th grade field trip that morning and gave me a hug and a kiss good-bye. I'm truly thankful I got to say good-bye to him that morning. I got my daily hug and kiss good-bye that morning. Little did I know that would be my last ones from my daddy. I miss him so much and I wish he was here. I would trade everything I have just to hear his voice or see him one last time. Hell, I would give anything to hear him even yell at me at this point! I miss my dad more than anything. After 8 years, you would think it would get easier... but it doesn't. It never does, nor will it ever... not for me. I feel like, if anything, it gets harder because now I feel like I'm starting to forget things. I may be forgetting things, but I will never forget February 24, 2005. I remember leaving him that day, walking into school all happy. We went to Medieval Times and I had a blast that day. I do remember it being a blah, rainy day... and on our way home we were told to call our parents to let them know we were getting close to town. Well, I called my dad's cellphone first, but he didn't answer. I called again, still no answer. I thought that was weird, so I called his work phone. Once again I had the same result, he didn't answer. Then I called the house phone... of course, no answer. My friend Blake asked to borrow my phone so he could call his parents. While he called them I remember a state of panic rushing over me. I remember thinking: what if my dad forgot me? what if he is tied up at work in a meeting? what if he took a nap or met up with someone? this isn't like him, why isn't he answering? ...I then got my phone back from Blake and called again. Starting with the cellphone, then the work phone, and the house phone. No answer. I even attempted calling my dad's boss, she didn't answer either. Maybe he did forget, or he is just already at the school. Finally we get to the school, I look in the front parking lot for his truck, but no luck. It was no where to be seen. As we pulled around back I quickly scanned the parking lot again for my dad's truck. His little Nissan was no where to be seen. I remember a rush/wave/tsunami of panic coming over me. I felt like I was suffocating in panic. I tried not to show it, but I didn't know where my daddy was. This wasn't like him at all, he never forgot me, ever. As soon as I got off the bus, my mission was to find my daddy. So I could tell him about my day and see him and hug/kiss him and go have dinner with him so I could come back for band practice. I never got the chance to do any of that. My assistant principle brought me aside and into the guidance counselor's room. All I remember thinking was: no, this isn't right. I need to find my dad. As soon as I got into the room I looked to the right. There was my bestfriend's mom sitting on a bench. Her eyes were red and puffy from where she had been crying. I was then told that during my dad's lunch hour he had left work to get lunch and was killed in a car accident. He was hit by an 18-wheeler who jack-knifed right into his truck. My father was killed instantly, and I thank God for that. Thank God my daddy didn't have to suffer, but I miss him so much. I wish he was hear to talk to me, to tell me he was proud of me. I wish I could give him another hug and kiss. I wish I could see him grow old. He would be turning 59 this year and I wish he was here to celebrate it. I love him so much, but I'm thankful I knew him. Most people don't even get blessed with the chance to know their fathers, but I knew mine and he may be gone but his memories I have of him will keep him alive. I love you daddy. 

We live and we learn

Hey guys!

So, I’ve had a pretty amazing week! I got into Nursing School and everything is just grand.  One thing I really wanted to address is something that happened 10 days ago. On the 10th of October it was the 2 year anniversary of my old childhood bestfriend’s passing away. Now, when we get in relationships we tend to spend most of our time with that person. I spent a lot of time with homeboy… I mean, I did love him. Well, Ashley was my bestfriend from 1st grade from back home… She moved away after 6th grade and well, after my dad passed away I ended up in the same town that she had moved it. It was great, we started hanging out again, but it was also bad too. I started getting in trouble, we started getting in trouble. So we quit hanging out, and we were 13 at this time. Well, I started dating my boy in September of 2010… He was perfect, amazing, and handsome. Of course I wanted to spend every chance I got with him! Who wouldn’t? Well, Ashley had gotten up with me that summer and we were trying to make plans to hang out when she got back. Well, we kept making plans and I kept putting them off because I was with my boy. Well, October 10, 2010, I was at his house and he was washing his car and while I was on his Facebook I had saw someone’s status that read: RIP Ashley Ha****s… you will be missed. Right away I had that sinking feeling in my gut, I asked homeboy if the kid went to school with him since Ashley went to the same school and his answer was yes. That night, right around my ex’s house Ashley was killed along with two of her other friends. They had all been drinking and so had the driver, they all got into the car that night and all three passengers were killed when the driver took a curve too fast. He lived. Now, what I want to get at is: yes, I loved my ex, I still do… but when we are in relationships don’t ignore the other people that you had in your life previous to them. Make time for your friends, you never know when it could be too late. I don’t regret spending all the time I could with my ex, I really don’t, but I could have also spent time with Ashley. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about everything. She was my bestfriend, she helped me a lot after my dad passed away, and we always grew up defending each other from bullies at school. She was my sister from another mister. I love her and miss her, and maybe if I would have been a better friend, things would have turned out differently. However, I do believe everything happens for a reason and they do make us think and appreciate things more. I do appreciate both relationships I had, but I really wish I would have been a better friend to AshBash. Remember: We have our relationships with our “significant other” and they’re all great and stuff… but we are individuals in our relationships too and we have our old friends that helped us where we got to today. So make time for them, you never know if it’s too late.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Ashley the blondie! ...and I'm in the bottom right corner. An old yearbook picture of us!

Relationships with God.

Happy Sunday everyone!

For most of you guys, Sunday is a church day. I’m Catholic and I try to attend mostly on Saturdays… but if not I go on Sunday. I can PROUDLY say that since I have been in college the past three years, I have only missed mass three days. Once during my freshman year and I was home for Christmas break and it had been snowing, the second time was this past year, end of my sophomore year. We had gone up to the Basilica National Shrine up in Washington D.C, but we had gone to mass at noon that day which didn’t fulfill the weekend obligation… and the last time was this past summer when my sweet little Ponchita died. I was headed to mass in Goldsboro with my family on a Sunday morning when my roommate called and told me that our kitty wasn’t doing good, so I rushed back home and took her to the vet. She was so sick, and I tried my best to take care of her and get her the medications the doctors prescribed her… but there was nothing we could do and we ended up putting her to sleep. Those are the ONLY three times I have missed mass since I have been in college. Now… you might be reading this and thinking, “okay girl, what is the purpose of this?” …Well, my purpose of writing this is to make you think. Are you religious? Many a time people tell me,”God knows me and knows my intentions. I might not go to church but He knows me and we have our own unique relationship. That’s why I don’t feel like I have to go to church.” …Are you one of these people? I understand and I’m not judging you, if that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. I am not going to change my opinions about you. What you do is your business. If we were friends and you thought like this, we will still be friends. I just wanted to preach my opinion on the matter. So here it goes:

THINK ABOUT THIS:

You have your friends right? The ones that will always be there for you no matter what? The ones that you have to see at least once a week, if not more. Those friends that mean the world to you because you love them and they love you… you know that you will always be there for them just like they will always be there for you? Well, think about this. What is God to you? God will ALWAYS be there for you, He loves you UNCONDITIONALLY and you mean the world to Him. Do you not love Him? Is He not always there for you? Just because you cannot see Him does not mean that He isn’t there. If you believe in Him then you KNOW He is there… Is He not like that friend? Do you not ask God for help, especially when you are in predicaments? So, why is it hard to go see Him once a week in His house? I don’t understand this… I take 15 hours of classes, weekly. I work 10 hours a week. I want to see my friends and my family… I make time to go out on dates, or to have time to relax. It doesn’t kill me to take one hour out of my hectic week to go see God in his house. I mean, if I can see my friends that may or may not always be there, then I can definitely go see God. The One who is and will always be there for me. God knows me and my intentions too, I am not perfect but I do make time out of my week to see Him in His house.

Think about it… do you have a healthy relationship with God… or are you using Him? …Is He like that bestfriend you have that you make time to see, or is He like that friend that you only use for favors?

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Baby Ponchita the night I rescued her and Kensington... and my first tattoo. <><

Regret.

Good evening everyone,

So, I just wanted to do a little blog on regret. It’s a sketchy topic for most people and it’s usually personal but I’m just going to state my opinion. A month ago today, I was driving home and wrecked my car. It was a bad accident, and should have been way worse. I don’t regret my decision to go home that day, if anything I’m glad I did. However, I did blog the previous night about my ex and how many times he had lied or something along those lines… and in a way writing that blog probably made it seem like I regretted dating him. Well, just to clear everything up I don’t. I don’t regret any of my choices that I have made through out my life. It’s weird… sometimes I look back and think, “What on Earth was I thinking… that was so dumb.” I’m sure we think that about something we’ve done in our past. But, the past is indeed the past. We cannot change what we did or how we did it. What’s done is done… and think about it; When you did it at the time, it was what you wanted, right? If you didn’t want to do it, then you wouldn’t have. That’s how I feel about it. I don’t regret anything, because at one point in my life it is exactly what I wanted. It might not have been later on. I don’t regret old friendships with people or past choices, at the time it was what I wanted. Yeah, now I look back and I see how some things didn’t work out and I get frustrated trying to convince myself it was stupid and I shouldn’t have done that or tried/worked at something, but it all comes down to the fact that at that very moment in time, it was exactly what I wanted. So, the next time you try to say you regret something, think about it. Do you really regret it? Or are you just in denial about it? Live life without regrets. Learn from past mistakes and move on, don’t let them get the best of you. You control your life.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

(left to right) Me, Kayla, and Samantha. These were my two bestfriends/roommates last year but that didn’t go over so well. I don’t regret the relationships we had… instead I learned from them and moved on.

The simple things in life.

Hi guys!

Well, I decided to write since I’m relaxing after being sick this past day. I’m watching the NY Giants v. Philadelphia Eagles game with my roommate. We went to the East Carolina University v. UTEP game last night which was fun! …Until they evacuated the stadium due to the weather that was approaching. Anyways… onto my blog. I am a firm believer that the simple things in life are what matter the most. Don’t get me wrong, I do like fancy things and I can be very fancy… but especially since my accident I have definitely come to appreciate simple things a lot more than I previously did. So, clearly since the break up my life was “oh so sad” but now I’m as happy as can be. I hung out with a guy from work twice last weekend after seeing my beautiful niece. Last weekend was great! This week was crazy/hectic but it was great too. I love my life, and the people in it. I honestly shouldn’t complain about my life, but I do. But I just wanted to take tonight to appreciate the little things. I love being able to go home when I want since I only live an hour away. I appreciate being able to go to school to get an education to hopefully become a nurse in whatever field I want. I appreciate my relationship with God and my family who helped guide me to Him. I appreciate the simple joy of longboarding. I appreciate living an hour from the beach. I appreciate having two jobs! I appreciate tye-dye. I appreciate movies, walks, exercising, and food. I appreciate art, and being able to somewhat draw. I appreciate my new whip, which happens to be a 1992 Jeep Wrangler… yes, I know it’s my age but it’s cute and it will get me through the next couple of years! I appreciate my exes, because they helped me grow to become the strong independent girl I am today and they helped me see how I should not be treated and how I should be treated. I appreciate old friends and old friendships I had that were great at once but then something happened and the true friends came out in my time of need when others stayed back. I appreciate my Kensie cat…she’s so silly but I love her to death. I appreciate simple dates. Going out for pizza or hamburgers… or staying in watching movies, playing video games and ordering pizza. I appreciate the little compliments I get about being “family oriented” or when people tell me how pretty I am. I appreciate a lot of those things. Now, don’t get me wrong… I do like simple things but I do like big surprises too.  I appreciate my aunt and uncle for everything. Without them I would not be who I am today, after my dad passed away and I had no place to live they took me into their home without hesitation and I could not be more thankful for that. They’re the best mom and dad anyone could ever have and I seriously would not be here today if it was not for them. I love them so much and I don’t know what I would do without them. Most of all, I appreciate my life. Simple as that… I am so thankful to be alive and I love it. I have been through some pretty crappy times but I know that life does get better. So, thank you God for all that you have given me. I’m unworthy but I am so thankful.

<><  

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Life is stressful, yet beautiful.

Hi everyone!

Per norm, I’m apologizing for not being on here like I use to be. I really need to make a set schedule and follow through with it on things that I am going to do/want to do/need to do. I was just thinking back to my post on the 1st of this month. I can’t help but think that, that would have been a horrible last final note to leave the world if I would have died the next day when I wrecked. I’m not sure if anyone from my hometown really knows about my Blog except for a couple of people… but I know I want it to be fully known if anything does happen to me. I would have hated to leave on a “bitter” note. Honestly, I am so happy now. Yes, I get lonely and yes, I am super stressed but I am thankful I am still here and still able to feel all these emotions! Not sure what I want to talk about tonight. For starters, I have been so busy and completely stressed. I have had 4 Psychology exams in the past week, FOUR. It’s been crazy! On top of that I have been trying to work out, I’ve been working about 8-10 hours a week, dealing with the insurance about my car, trying to car shop, and everything. This past weekend, my grandma and aunt flew from El Paso, Texas to visit for my uncle’s surprise 60th birthday party and boy was he surprised! It was great seeing all my family, and having everyone come out. I am so blessed to be a part of such a huge loving family… and speaking of HUGE. My cousin, who is basically my sister, Chica, is having her baby bright and early in the morning! I’m so excited for my Goddaughter/niece/cousin to make her grand entrance to the world. I am so in love with life right now and all these blessings that I have been given. Also, I have been okay about Zack. I’m sure if I saw him maybe I would feel different, but as of now I am free.  Happy and free. I’m going to Sweden in December to see my mom and her family! I reapplied for Nursing school again, and they send out letters on the 15th of October so we will see how that goes! I’m so happy with my relationships with my family right now, they were close before my wreck and now they are even closer. I love it, and I love them. They’re all so great and supportive. Also, another bit of good news… I’m hanging out with a friend from work tomorrow night. It’ll be good to get to know someone new and to hang out. I’m pretty excited about all of this. Anyways, I decided I’m going to skip class tomorrow and drive to Raleigh to see my cousin and my Goddaughter! (They haven’t picked out a solid name yet, they have ideas but not a definite choice yet… hence me not saying her name) Goodnight everyone, hopefully I will Blog after I get home tomorrow. Just remember, God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Life may be so stressful at times, but think positive… Life is beautiful!

Goodnight everyone,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Kenzie and I sitting at the table... I swear she loves me.

S[he] be[lie]ve[s].

Hi everyone! So, once again I have neglected my Blog. Things have been going iffy. Between working at home, not talking to Zack anymore, finding out more things that he lied about, school starting back again, cleaning my house, starting my new job at school, taking care of my cat, and making sure I definitely have time for mass and my family… you can say I’ve been pretty busy. Well, the school I go to is awesome and we won our opening football game of the season 35-13. Pretty awesome, huh? I don’t have much to say… I don’t really know how I feel lately. You ever feel like that? I don’t know how I feel right now… like if I’m happy, mad, sad, tired, disappointed, confused, guilty, hurt, or maybe all of the above. Zack lied. That’s for sure. That’s all I know is that he lied, and he kept lying to me when we were supposed to try to be friends but everything even then was a complete lie. It’s like all he did was breath, eat, sleep and lie to me. I don’t know what else to say about it, that’s all there is to it. He lied. He freaking lied to me and I was stupid enough to keep believing him even after all the other lies he had told me during our relationship. I’m hurt. I don’t understand how you can sit there and tell someone you love them and lie to them the whole time. It doesn’t work that way. Did you guys hear Taylor Swift’s new song? That’s exactly what it is. Him and I would never ever get back together, ever. I would have to be a complete idiot to go back to something like that. Something that seemed so true that turned out to be a complete lie. I just hope when he finds his next “girlfriend” that he is 110% completely honest with her. I would feel so bad for her if he lies to her like he did me. I think he did it with his best intentions, but a lie is a lie. Just like a cat is a cat. You can’t change that. He freaking lied to me. I’m mad, I’m everything and it doesn’t even matter. Oh well. God will take care of me. He will send me someone who won’t lie and will love me for who I am and for all my flaws. I believe in Him and what He is doing for me. I’m exhausted, and I promise to at least write once a week now. Hopefully twice if I’m not busy during work. Goodnight everyone! Sorry for the rant, but it was needed.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

You told me yes, you held me high... and I believed when you told that lie.

Life as we know it.

Hey guys! So, I didn’t write yesterday… I had a nice relaxing day/night with my cousin Jeffrey. We went to see campaign, had dinner at Popeyes, came home watched movies and stayed up talking until 4 am. Anyways, today’s post will be short and sweet. It’s going to be about my dad since today was his birthday. He passed away while I was at a field trip in the 7th grade. The date was February 24, 2005… it was a rough day and it still is. Death isn’t an easy thing to grasp, especially if it;s someone you depend on for everything. I was 12 turning 13 when he passed away. He was 50 turning 51. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. I think about him all the time, I miss him so much. Sometimes, I wonder why he did lie to me about my life. I mean, I heard stories of possibly why he did, but I would love to be able to ask him. To get his side of the story instead of just assuming. I know he’s gone, so I know I will never get any of my questions answered and it sucks. That’s why honesty in a relationship is something I truly care about. I want my boyfriend to be 110% honest with me and be okay with it. Obviously Zack couldn’t cut it. The pressure was too much for him but I’m glad I found that out almost 2 years later rather than down the long road. I miss my dad, and yes I am upset about a lot of things. But I love him, I know he did everything with his best intentions (Zack often reminded me of that)… I just wish he was here to ask him more. I pray he had a great 58th birthday in Heaven. I don’t know if you guys have faced someone passing away, I’m sure you have, but I’m not sure you’ve also experienced someone in your immediate family passing away. It’s extremely difficult. Especially for a 12 year old who only had one parent and that was it. My world was crushed and completely changed. Anyways, death is hard. It’s clearly never easy. Especially if it is sudden and there were no signs of it happening. My dad’s death was sudden. We said our goodbyes in the morning when he dropped me off for my field trip and when I came back he wasn’t there. I never imagined this happening to me, no one does. He was gone. I just found his death certificate a couple of weeks ago actually. See, when my dad passed away they had advised me not to see him. I chose not to see his truck. My making those choices have greatly impacted my life though. I never fully knew what happened, I never fully will. But, I found his death certificate the other day and some online articles. I found out the name and age of the man who killed my father. He was exceeding a safe speed and charged with something else. He was driving a flatbed truck that had jack knifed and killed my father. My dad was supposedly on his way back to work after going home for lunch. His time of death was 1:12 pm… I was still watching the Medieval Times show when it happened. I was having a good time with friends. I didn’t know what happened, and knowing that I was having fun while he was suffering is awful. I read his death certificate and read the cause of his death. It was serious head trauma. I don’t know how long he suffered, or if he suffered at all, but I can only pray that it wasn’t bad. I pray that he didn’t suffer and I pray that he left this world with no pain at all. I miss him so much and I just pray for him all the time. It’s been hard not having him here. Knowing that he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle when I get married, he wasn’t here to see me graduate from high school, he won’t be here to see me graduate from college, he won’t be here to meet my grandkids, my family, my new friends, my next boyfriend. He won’t physically be here, but he will forever be in my heart and that is how he will live on. Remember, never leave someone angry and tell them you love them. Tomorrow is not promised and your life as you know it can change in the blink of an eye. Mine did.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My daddy and I back in 1993 while we were visiting my mom’s family in Sweden.

My daddy, me, and my mom.

My tattoo: Death is not the end and life is forever.

My dad and I at my friend’s mom’s wedding… this is one of the last pictures we have together.

My dad and I after I won 1st place in a horse riding competition when I was like 6 or 7.

& my daddy trying to calm me down, haha. I miss that man. <3 we were so cute.