Anniversaries

Hey everyone, I know it's been forever. As always... but I miss my daddy. February 24, 2013 made it 8 years since the last day I saw him. Yes, it was an anniversary. Anniversaries like this seem like they would be depressing, and yes they are... but you can either choose to think about how the person is gone OR you can choose to celebrate the person's life. I remember he dropped me off for my 7th grade field trip that morning and gave me a hug and a kiss good-bye. I'm truly thankful I got to say good-bye to him that morning. I got my daily hug and kiss good-bye that morning. Little did I know that would be my last ones from my daddy. I miss him so much and I wish he was here. I would trade everything I have just to hear his voice or see him one last time. Hell, I would give anything to hear him even yell at me at this point! I miss my dad more than anything. After 8 years, you would think it would get easier... but it doesn't. It never does, nor will it ever... not for me. I feel like, if anything, it gets harder because now I feel like I'm starting to forget things. I may be forgetting things, but I will never forget February 24, 2005. I remember leaving him that day, walking into school all happy. We went to Medieval Times and I had a blast that day. I do remember it being a blah, rainy day... and on our way home we were told to call our parents to let them know we were getting close to town. Well, I called my dad's cellphone first, but he didn't answer. I called again, still no answer. I thought that was weird, so I called his work phone. Once again I had the same result, he didn't answer. Then I called the house phone... of course, no answer. My friend Blake asked to borrow my phone so he could call his parents. While he called them I remember a state of panic rushing over me. I remember thinking: what if my dad forgot me? what if he is tied up at work in a meeting? what if he took a nap or met up with someone? this isn't like him, why isn't he answering? ...I then got my phone back from Blake and called again. Starting with the cellphone, then the work phone, and the house phone. No answer. I even attempted calling my dad's boss, she didn't answer either. Maybe he did forget, or he is just already at the school. Finally we get to the school, I look in the front parking lot for his truck, but no luck. It was no where to be seen. As we pulled around back I quickly scanned the parking lot again for my dad's truck. His little Nissan was no where to be seen. I remember a rush/wave/tsunami of panic coming over me. I felt like I was suffocating in panic. I tried not to show it, but I didn't know where my daddy was. This wasn't like him at all, he never forgot me, ever. As soon as I got off the bus, my mission was to find my daddy. So I could tell him about my day and see him and hug/kiss him and go have dinner with him so I could come back for band practice. I never got the chance to do any of that. My assistant principle brought me aside and into the guidance counselor's room. All I remember thinking was: no, this isn't right. I need to find my dad. As soon as I got into the room I looked to the right. There was my bestfriend's mom sitting on a bench. Her eyes were red and puffy from where she had been crying. I was then told that during my dad's lunch hour he had left work to get lunch and was killed in a car accident. He was hit by an 18-wheeler who jack-knifed right into his truck. My father was killed instantly, and I thank God for that. Thank God my daddy didn't have to suffer, but I miss him so much. I wish he was hear to talk to me, to tell me he was proud of me. I wish I could give him another hug and kiss. I wish I could see him grow old. He would be turning 59 this year and I wish he was here to celebrate it. I love him so much, but I'm thankful I knew him. Most people don't even get blessed with the chance to know their fathers, but I knew mine and he may be gone but his memories I have of him will keep him alive. I love you daddy. 

I believe in signs.

Evening ladies and gents,

That was so lame, but whatever… I attempted to spice it up. …Some. Haha! Anyways, like always I haven’t written a new post in a while but today something really got me. Here is a super short background story to this post: my dad and I loved shooting stars. I remember growing up and during meteor showers he would wake me up so we could sneak out, being careful to not wake up my mom, and watch all the shooting stars. Great memories, that’s what that is. Well, ever since he passed away back in 2005… and since I could drive, I have my moments when I like to ask my dad a really important question. I like to ask my dad if he’s proud of me and if I’m on the right track of what I should be doing with my life. The first time I looked up into the night sky and asked my dad those questions was after I had a date with my ex. I was praying I could have a sign that my dad was proud of me, if he approved of my ex, and if he was just simply happy with whom I had become. Within minutes of asking that question, I looked up into the sky and saw a shooting star. Now, I have always had a tendency not to believe things right away… and I’m sure my dad knew that… because as I questioned whether or not I had just seen the shooting star, another one shot across the sky. It was the most beautiful sign I could ever receive. At that moment, I quit questioning. I knew my daddy was proud of me; after all… he answered me the best way he knew how. Since then I haven’t questioned any signs. This may be cheesy but it means a lot to me, and it has happened a few times after that night as well. Like tonight! I was driving home tonight from my house to my aunt and uncle’s house and it was just one of those weeks where I had to ask. For some reason, I’ve been slightly down in the dumps… but hey! That’s life; sometimes it gets the best of us when we know it shouldn’t. Tonight as I looked up into the sky during my night drive home, I asked my dad: dad, are you proud of me? Am I who you would want me to be? Am I doing what I was meant to do with my life?  Honestly, I got bummed out. I didn’t see the shooting star tonight within minutes, and that was the first time that had happened since I started asking him that question. I know it had only been like the fourth time I asked, but I got use to seeing, what I thought, was his sign of approval. I cranked my music back up and tried to clear my mind, I was deeply troubled. As if my week hadn’t already thrown some curveballs at me. Now, my dad wasn’t always around when we lived with my mom, but I remember that he never let me down. NEVER. Even though he passed away almost 8 years ago, he still has yet to let me down. Within 7-10 minutes, I let out a huge sigh, looked into the sky and I saw my dad’s sign of approval. A beautiful, bright, clear, shooting star.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker 

My daddy and I in Sweden. <3

We live and we learn

Hey guys!

So, I’ve had a pretty amazing week! I got into Nursing School and everything is just grand.  One thing I really wanted to address is something that happened 10 days ago. On the 10th of October it was the 2 year anniversary of my old childhood bestfriend’s passing away. Now, when we get in relationships we tend to spend most of our time with that person. I spent a lot of time with homeboy… I mean, I did love him. Well, Ashley was my bestfriend from 1st grade from back home… She moved away after 6th grade and well, after my dad passed away I ended up in the same town that she had moved it. It was great, we started hanging out again, but it was also bad too. I started getting in trouble, we started getting in trouble. So we quit hanging out, and we were 13 at this time. Well, I started dating my boy in September of 2010… He was perfect, amazing, and handsome. Of course I wanted to spend every chance I got with him! Who wouldn’t? Well, Ashley had gotten up with me that summer and we were trying to make plans to hang out when she got back. Well, we kept making plans and I kept putting them off because I was with my boy. Well, October 10, 2010, I was at his house and he was washing his car and while I was on his Facebook I had saw someone’s status that read: RIP Ashley Ha****s… you will be missed. Right away I had that sinking feeling in my gut, I asked homeboy if the kid went to school with him since Ashley went to the same school and his answer was yes. That night, right around my ex’s house Ashley was killed along with two of her other friends. They had all been drinking and so had the driver, they all got into the car that night and all three passengers were killed when the driver took a curve too fast. He lived. Now, what I want to get at is: yes, I loved my ex, I still do… but when we are in relationships don’t ignore the other people that you had in your life previous to them. Make time for your friends, you never know when it could be too late. I don’t regret spending all the time I could with my ex, I really don’t, but I could have also spent time with Ashley. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about everything. She was my bestfriend, she helped me a lot after my dad passed away, and we always grew up defending each other from bullies at school. She was my sister from another mister. I love her and miss her, and maybe if I would have been a better friend, things would have turned out differently. However, I do believe everything happens for a reason and they do make us think and appreciate things more. I do appreciate both relationships I had, but I really wish I would have been a better friend to AshBash. Remember: We have our relationships with our “significant other” and they’re all great and stuff… but we are individuals in our relationships too and we have our old friends that helped us where we got to today. So make time for them, you never know if it’s too late.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Ashley the blondie! ...and I'm in the bottom right corner. An old yearbook picture of us!

Relationships with God.

Happy Sunday everyone!

For most of you guys, Sunday is a church day. I’m Catholic and I try to attend mostly on Saturdays… but if not I go on Sunday. I can PROUDLY say that since I have been in college the past three years, I have only missed mass three days. Once during my freshman year and I was home for Christmas break and it had been snowing, the second time was this past year, end of my sophomore year. We had gone up to the Basilica National Shrine up in Washington D.C, but we had gone to mass at noon that day which didn’t fulfill the weekend obligation… and the last time was this past summer when my sweet little Ponchita died. I was headed to mass in Goldsboro with my family on a Sunday morning when my roommate called and told me that our kitty wasn’t doing good, so I rushed back home and took her to the vet. She was so sick, and I tried my best to take care of her and get her the medications the doctors prescribed her… but there was nothing we could do and we ended up putting her to sleep. Those are the ONLY three times I have missed mass since I have been in college. Now… you might be reading this and thinking, “okay girl, what is the purpose of this?” …Well, my purpose of writing this is to make you think. Are you religious? Many a time people tell me,”God knows me and knows my intentions. I might not go to church but He knows me and we have our own unique relationship. That’s why I don’t feel like I have to go to church.” …Are you one of these people? I understand and I’m not judging you, if that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. I am not going to change my opinions about you. What you do is your business. If we were friends and you thought like this, we will still be friends. I just wanted to preach my opinion on the matter. So here it goes:

THINK ABOUT THIS:

You have your friends right? The ones that will always be there for you no matter what? The ones that you have to see at least once a week, if not more. Those friends that mean the world to you because you love them and they love you… you know that you will always be there for them just like they will always be there for you? Well, think about this. What is God to you? God will ALWAYS be there for you, He loves you UNCONDITIONALLY and you mean the world to Him. Do you not love Him? Is He not always there for you? Just because you cannot see Him does not mean that He isn’t there. If you believe in Him then you KNOW He is there… Is He not like that friend? Do you not ask God for help, especially when you are in predicaments? So, why is it hard to go see Him once a week in His house? I don’t understand this… I take 15 hours of classes, weekly. I work 10 hours a week. I want to see my friends and my family… I make time to go out on dates, or to have time to relax. It doesn’t kill me to take one hour out of my hectic week to go see God in his house. I mean, if I can see my friends that may or may not always be there, then I can definitely go see God. The One who is and will always be there for me. God knows me and my intentions too, I am not perfect but I do make time out of my week to see Him in His house.

Think about it… do you have a healthy relationship with God… or are you using Him? …Is He like that bestfriend you have that you make time to see, or is He like that friend that you only use for favors?

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

Baby Ponchita the night I rescued her and Kensington... and my first tattoo. <><

Regret.

Good evening everyone,

So, I just wanted to do a little blog on regret. It’s a sketchy topic for most people and it’s usually personal but I’m just going to state my opinion. A month ago today, I was driving home and wrecked my car. It was a bad accident, and should have been way worse. I don’t regret my decision to go home that day, if anything I’m glad I did. However, I did blog the previous night about my ex and how many times he had lied or something along those lines… and in a way writing that blog probably made it seem like I regretted dating him. Well, just to clear everything up I don’t. I don’t regret any of my choices that I have made through out my life. It’s weird… sometimes I look back and think, “What on Earth was I thinking… that was so dumb.” I’m sure we think that about something we’ve done in our past. But, the past is indeed the past. We cannot change what we did or how we did it. What’s done is done… and think about it; When you did it at the time, it was what you wanted, right? If you didn’t want to do it, then you wouldn’t have. That’s how I feel about it. I don’t regret anything, because at one point in my life it is exactly what I wanted. It might not have been later on. I don’t regret old friendships with people or past choices, at the time it was what I wanted. Yeah, now I look back and I see how some things didn’t work out and I get frustrated trying to convince myself it was stupid and I shouldn’t have done that or tried/worked at something, but it all comes down to the fact that at that very moment in time, it was exactly what I wanted. So, the next time you try to say you regret something, think about it. Do you really regret it? Or are you just in denial about it? Live life without regrets. Learn from past mistakes and move on, don’t let them get the best of you. You control your life.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

(left to right) Me, Kayla, and Samantha. These were my two bestfriends/roommates last year but that didn’t go over so well. I don’t regret the relationships we had… instead I learned from them and moved on.

Life as we know it.

Hey guys! So, I didn’t write yesterday… I had a nice relaxing day/night with my cousin Jeffrey. We went to see campaign, had dinner at Popeyes, came home watched movies and stayed up talking until 4 am. Anyways, today’s post will be short and sweet. It’s going to be about my dad since today was his birthday. He passed away while I was at a field trip in the 7th grade. The date was February 24, 2005… it was a rough day and it still is. Death isn’t an easy thing to grasp, especially if it;s someone you depend on for everything. I was 12 turning 13 when he passed away. He was 50 turning 51. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. I think about him all the time, I miss him so much. Sometimes, I wonder why he did lie to me about my life. I mean, I heard stories of possibly why he did, but I would love to be able to ask him. To get his side of the story instead of just assuming. I know he’s gone, so I know I will never get any of my questions answered and it sucks. That’s why honesty in a relationship is something I truly care about. I want my boyfriend to be 110% honest with me and be okay with it. Obviously Zack couldn’t cut it. The pressure was too much for him but I’m glad I found that out almost 2 years later rather than down the long road. I miss my dad, and yes I am upset about a lot of things. But I love him, I know he did everything with his best intentions (Zack often reminded me of that)… I just wish he was here to ask him more. I pray he had a great 58th birthday in Heaven. I don’t know if you guys have faced someone passing away, I’m sure you have, but I’m not sure you’ve also experienced someone in your immediate family passing away. It’s extremely difficult. Especially for a 12 year old who only had one parent and that was it. My world was crushed and completely changed. Anyways, death is hard. It’s clearly never easy. Especially if it is sudden and there were no signs of it happening. My dad’s death was sudden. We said our goodbyes in the morning when he dropped me off for my field trip and when I came back he wasn’t there. I never imagined this happening to me, no one does. He was gone. I just found his death certificate a couple of weeks ago actually. See, when my dad passed away they had advised me not to see him. I chose not to see his truck. My making those choices have greatly impacted my life though. I never fully knew what happened, I never fully will. But, I found his death certificate the other day and some online articles. I found out the name and age of the man who killed my father. He was exceeding a safe speed and charged with something else. He was driving a flatbed truck that had jack knifed and killed my father. My dad was supposedly on his way back to work after going home for lunch. His time of death was 1:12 pm… I was still watching the Medieval Times show when it happened. I was having a good time with friends. I didn’t know what happened, and knowing that I was having fun while he was suffering is awful. I read his death certificate and read the cause of his death. It was serious head trauma. I don’t know how long he suffered, or if he suffered at all, but I can only pray that it wasn’t bad. I pray that he didn’t suffer and I pray that he left this world with no pain at all. I miss him so much and I just pray for him all the time. It’s been hard not having him here. Knowing that he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle when I get married, he wasn’t here to see me graduate from high school, he won’t be here to see me graduate from college, he won’t be here to meet my grandkids, my family, my new friends, my next boyfriend. He won’t physically be here, but he will forever be in my heart and that is how he will live on. Remember, never leave someone angry and tell them you love them. Tomorrow is not promised and your life as you know it can change in the blink of an eye. Mine did.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

My daddy and I back in 1993 while we were visiting my mom’s family in Sweden.

My daddy, me, and my mom.

My tattoo: Death is not the end and life is forever.

My dad and I at my friend’s mom’s wedding… this is one of the last pictures we have together.

My dad and I after I won 1st place in a horse riding competition when I was like 6 or 7.

& my daddy trying to calm me down, haha. I miss that man. <3 we were so cute.

The interesting day of a cat’s life…

Hi guys! So, Zack picked out the title of this one today. We have been texting and well he helped me come up with this. More like I just asked him what I should write about and that is what he sent back. At first I was thinking “Eh, no. That’s silly…” but then I thought about it a little longer and it hit me! When I went to mass today the Deacon said the homily and it started out with him talking about taking care of the Priest’s cats while he was on his Mission Trip. Agnes and Lucy are their names. He said that everyday he went to take care of them he realized how much they depended on him. They would just wait for someone to come through that door and take care of them, everyday. They never knew what would happen that day, they didn’t know if someone would show up or if someone wouldn’t, they just had Faith that someone would. We should do this ourselves. Cats, dogs, babies, or anything dependent on someone… they have the most faith. They have faith that they will get fed and that they will get taken care of. They fully rely on us (well, the indoor pets), they fully rely on us to take care of them. Babies cannot take care of themselves, they too also fully rely on us. These creatures have Faith. They have confidence in us, that we will pull through for them. They trust us to take care of them. They display the true definition of having Faith. I don’t know about you guys, but I believe in God. I believe that He knows what is best for me and my future. I believe He has everything under control, and I believe I am following the path that He has made for me and wants me to follow. I have Faith in Him. I have confidence in God and what He is doing with my life… and yeah. I might think my life has been a little on the rough side, but I trust Him and the choices He made for my life. I have faith in Him. Well, it’s time for me to rest. It’s 1:49 in the morning, Zack and I are in deep conversation which may or may not be good, and I want to figure out what I’m doing Monday for my dad’s birthday. Can you believe he would have been 58 this year? I wish he was physically here with me to celebrate. Apparently he had loved Pineapple upside down cake so maybe I’ll make that after I go to mass. Goodnight everyone. Hug and kiss the people you love, and tell them you love them while they’re here. You never know when you may not see them again.

Yours truly,

Clair Kwahadi Parker

...and yes. I did keep the heart by his name even though we've been broken up for a while.